I’ve taken the bull by the horns and ordered myself some new scales. My old ones are probably not very reliable. Even before they started to say ERR when I got on them we could shuffle them around the room (hard floor or soft) and find the place where we weighed the least. I weighed least between the third tile across and fourth one down from the left corner as you came in the bathroom door. We’ve all been there right? Please don’t let me be the only person who has done this 😀
I can’t just assume that I weigh more than the scale will register, I really ought to know what I weigh so that I can make a start on destroying Tracey. I figured the first week of healthy eating is when you see the biggest loss and I’m going to miss out on that early inspirational boost to spur me into week two.
Then again I wonder if I’m going to be able to stop myself from doing what I’ve always done in the past and start projecting my weightloss. My internal conversation goes like this “Well I lost 8lbs this week, so if I can lose just half of that a week from now on by 10 weeks, that will be end of term I will have lost 48lbs and then by my birthday I will have lost 72lbs and then I should be a size whatever and I will throw a party and I’ll buy a beautiful new dress and I’ll be able to make such an impression ….”. We all know that it just doesn’t work like that and yet I do it every time and every time I’m disappointed when it doesn’t happen and that disappointment pushes me into a ‘day off’ and another ‘day off’ and before I know it I’m so far down that slippery slope the only impression my body is going to make is when it goes splat at the bottom of the slippery slope and leaves a big fat crater.
There is no predictability to losing weight and we know that as our cycle happens we lose and gain water, as our exercise increases we gain more muscle mass, as we lose weight our exercise isn’t going to be as effective and so many other variables. I’m reminding myself of that when I get on those scales in the morning, I’m going to write it out and stick it where I’m going to get weighed each time so I don’t forget.
I’ve not lied to myself when I’ve said this is all about how I feel because it is, it really is and it’s also about health and staying alive but it would be nice to know where I’m starting from.
I guess if I’m honest I used my broken ERR scales as an excuse to not find out what I weigh because I didn’t want to face facts but I’m ready to face facts now. Just like I looked at the ‘before’ pictures after a couple of days I’m ready to see what I weigh now.
I think all of that time in denial is pretty tough on us and somehow when we start to do something positive to change the way we are, the way we’ve allowed ourselves to live and what we’ve allowed ourselves to become, that’s when we can start letting go of the pressure of that denial. It is a pressure living with a fear or a secret or a lie and that’s what denial is.
So it’s a relief when we can start to be honest with ourselves. When I talk about honesty in my blog I really do mean being honest with me. I don’t lie to other people, I lie to myself. Probably part of that is because I don’t value myself, I don’t value myself because I don’t respect myself and the reason I don’t respect myself is because I don’t love myself and the reason I don’t love myself is because I am not in control of myself.
That’s all going to change. It has to change. It IS changing! All of those negatives are already turning to positives in just a few days, I am going to be bouncing out of my skin by my next birthday when self acceptance and self awareness and self admiration have really kicked in, even if I haven’t lost 4lbs a week or whatever, no matter what weight I shed I will be happy and I will love myself. That’s my target and I have a feeling it will be much easier to achieve than a weight loss target.
I can do this!