Oh wow day 7 ended on a bum note.
You know how something happens and it’s not good and you become sad, defensive, confused, reactionary, irrational?
You cry, get angry, shout a bit, cry some more, hate someone maybe, hate that your life is going to change because of ‘the thing’ and you are powerless to do anything about it?
You stop, you think, you calm, you hate yourself for hating anyone, you chastise yourself for being so irrational, you sleep, you think about ‘the thing’ with a clear head, you look at ‘the thing’ and you think “Hmm maybe this isn’t so bad”, you talk to someone, you reflect, you project and you think “Hmmm maybe this is positive, maybe this was necessary because now other good things can happen.”?
You smile, you plan, you apologise to yourself, your optimism builds and you get excited about the future, you realise you are powerful and you do have some control of your life and you have a part to play in shape your future and you give thanks for ‘the thing’ and see it for the blessing it is?
You’re familiar with this right? I’m hoping you are and I’m not the only crazy person who flips when ‘things’ disturb the status quo. Well if you are and you know this process or if you don’t have a clue how this all works consider yourself enlightened because this happened to me on days 7 & 8.
Now 8 or 9 days ago I would have eaten a bucket load of chocolate as a gut reaction to soothe me, I would have ordered the biggest take out to help me through the evening and I would have woken up to a huge bacon sandwich to help me start the day.
I’m so proud of myself because in all of the chaos of that whirlwind of emotions, under attack (that’s figuratively how I felt I guess) when my flight or fight instinct usually has me fleeing alright, straight to the fridge to stuff my face, I remained in control of my inner voice begging for lots of bad food and I stood my ground to fight.
To be honest I cast it out, kind of like some crazed priestess banishing a demon (well maybe not quite but that’s how I visualised myself, allow me some indulgences because crazed priestesses are beautiful, slim with huge boobs and tiny waists and wear a ton of leather and thigh boots and I liked visualising myself like that) but I literally told my hunger (from previous posts we know that’s not what it was) but I told it anyway to “Fu*k right off!”. Forgive the expletive. I don’t swear so it was a mental expletive (guess if it’s in the mind it’s technically swearing) but hey, this is a fat lady at the end of the first week of a huge lifestyle change, I’m allowed a minor indiscretion.
Seriously as chaos was around me and I was trying to make sense of everything and trying to focus on everyone involved who needed me to think for them (when we’re made parents it’s kind of like our brains and hearts spore new babies too that think and feel for someone else constantly, feeding themselves off the mother brain and heart) hunger crept in and I told it to get out of here. It kept on coming back throughout the night as the drama unfolded and I kept sending it back again, like a naughty puppy that won’t stay off the couch.
I got through trauma with NO FOOD (ok so by 6am when I still hadn’t managed to get to bed I had a fruit and oat bar but by then it was breakfast).
I’m proud of me. I’m really in control of this beast at the moment and that feels good.
After a few hours sleep I had my morning Kefir fix and then I had the most amazing smoothie whipped up by my lovely daughter. Packed with fruit and a little bit of veg and some kefir. It was to die for!
Gardening today and bonus, it’s sunny and warm and I’m just feeling so bright and optimistic about the future.
Sometimes we need a kick to send us in the right direction and mine came yesterday and I’m glad of it and grateful for it. This will be one of those ‘if that had never happened we would never have done this’ moments, I just know it.
I do often think that there is a plan for us and if only we could see the whole picture we’d be more calm about life and feel safer and more protected and sheltered than we often do when we’re struggling with a piece of the puzzle, stressing because it doesn’t seem to fit anywhere.
I need to remember to yield to life more and let the bigger picture swallow up my fleeting issues while I bother myself with the things I can do to make myself a better person fit to receive the good things the bigger picture has in store.
I want to share something which is loud in my head right now. I don’t think of this song often because it brings back the memory of the day I had to say goodbye to the only person I ever truly felt loved by (besides my kids). When I get beyond that final memory it reminds me of a sunny Sunday singing along with that same person, the last time we were at home together and how he told me he wanted us to sing it out loud on the goodbye day and I realise that he wanted that because he was grateful, in spite of what was going to happen he was grateful and on the goodbye day he wanted me to know that and to be grateful too… not just that day but every day.
Funny how this song always pops into my head when I need to remember it most. On the goodbye day there was a host of angels who sang out loud (OK so I later found out it was his friends at the back) but they sounded like a hired in male voice choir, sounding just like him, a rich, deep tone and so this amateur recorded version of the song reminds me even more of him and that day and of how much I have to be grateful for and how I really need to relax, be thankful and just let the picture unfold.
Skip the first 35 seconds if you wish it’s difficult to hear but is a little history of the song.