Forgive Me

I have to apologise for my crazy posts full of all of my ramblings on food and nutrition and all of the things I’m trying and experimenting with but you see I love food, nothing is going to change that. I love eating it, cooking it, experimenting with it, giving it to other people, buying it, growing it and all of that.

My obsession with food is one of the reasons I’m so fat, now the way I see it, I either deprive myself of  my obsession and lose my mind or I embrace my obsession in a healthy way and obsess not about how gorgeous stuff is but about how healthy stuff is, how it might heal, how it might promote physical and mental well being, how it might help me to process other foods and get the most out of them so my body is really fortified and able to cope with the crazy demands I put on it.

I just want to live, in the sense that I don’t want to die and also in the sense that I want to enjoy  my life again… I so much enjoyed life when I was younger, in spite of hellish experiences, I was always a happy little soul (a bit naughty sometimes but hey, naughty times make me chuckle to myself now and again and I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world), always on an adventure and lately I’ve been killing myself, in the literal sense and the figurative sense and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m coming back to life, I really am and if obsessing with food in a healthier way is going to help me and if the things I find out and experiment with help someone else come back to life through my blog then I’m even happier.

I feel a lightness, not in my body, in my heart, I feel like I’ve been released from a horrible, rotten place and I’m just so happy and excited and I just want to write about it so that I can read it and I can hear myself. I want to be the loudest voice in my head not those people who put me down for years and treated me bad, who saw my happiness in all things and wanted to strip it away. I am the master of my destiny, I control my happiness and I’m taking up those reins and I’m galloping back to me.

I’m well into that chrysalis stage now (check the caterpillar to butterfly visual) and I’m getting stronger. I’m going to win this fight, I really am and I’m reclaiming my happiness, my youthful attitude, my spirit of adventure and I’m sorry if I clog up the newsfeed at times but I need to do this.

It’s sunny and warm on this bank holiday May Day Monday… to the beach we go! Not in bikini or bathing suit way, this is England, this is the North Sea we’re talking about, in May, I’m not that happy and I’ve not lost that much of Tracey, but I can do some walking, enjoying the sunshine, getting that Vit D boost and I hear there is a rather good continental market in town today so I get to purchase some delicious French and Italian bits and bobs, olive oils, cheeses and a bit of German sausage and I get to immerse myself in the rich and diverse sounds of European languages and speak a few too. Bliss.

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