Hhhhhm where to start. The ice cream.. it was delicious. I had just one scoop (could have been a whole lot worse and pre my new attitude it would have been worse, a three scooper at least). I had this massive selection to choose from and I was wide eyed with greed and in the end opted for my retro childhood favourite of mint choc chip, I figured I’d get a tasted of chocolate for the first time in ages which was lovely.
I was good for the rest of the weekend, a couple of glasses of red wine (medicinal of course), I had lots of fresh juice and sea food, tons of water. So it wasn’t a surprise when I got on the scale today and had lost 7lbs since my last weigh in just 10 days ago. Hip Hop Abs must be doing some good and all that activity in the house and garden. As I keep on saying it’s important to move not necessarily do conventional exercise, just move and do household chores as a start … if you’re really overweight sometimes it takes all of your energy to just mop a kitchen floor (I know I’ve been there lacking in physical and metal motivation).
I’m going to update Tracey and my stats page later, I have only just weighed in so I’m still in shock. I’m into the 20 stones now in the UK which means a good hard push for a couple of weeks and I should be under 20 stone for the first time in a while and I know that once I’m under that I will really start to see and feel big differences in myself, not that over 4 stones (57lbs) off aren’t showing already because they most definitely are.
So this weekend one of my friends came up to visit from London just for the day on Sunday, she stayed over and headed home early this morning for work. It was an impromptu visit, she was feeling down and the drive up cleared her head more than anything although I do think she benefited from some sea air and sunshine. It was lovely to see her again and we’ve decided we’re going to take a girls holiday next year together, we’ve just got to decide where to, a nice long summer break with a bit of adventure thrown in. My son will be almost 16 he can have some wild parties or something while I’m away or go stay with his sister.
It’s good to know that next summer I’m going to be slim, for the first time in forever I’m going to be buying size 10 or 12 shorts and not worrying about having my legs or arms out…. even if it takes skin removal surgery my arms are coming out. Although I’m shrinking pretty efficiently so far so hopefully it won’t come to that.
I had a good long chat on the phone on Saturday night with an old flame. It’s not fair to refer to him as that really… he is an old boyfriend and I was crazy about him and turned out later on down the line that he was also crazy about me as I suspected at the time but some really stupid misunderstanding happened and it drove us apart. I was too stubborn to bother explaining and he was too stubborn to have let me had I wanted to. Our paths crossed a couple of times by coincidence in the years immediately after that and there was a spark of something between us still but by then it was too late, we were both married with a daughter each.
Good old Facebook saw us reunited via a mutual friend who we’d each remained in touch with throughout our lives who arranged a reunion when one of his children was coming over from the other side of the world to visit and we saw one another, (me and Nick) on the guest list. He messaged me to ask how I was and to compliment me on not looking a day older than I had 15 years ago and we chatted and discovered he had 3 more children and the same wife and I had one more child and a different partner. It was all very civilised and mature and our crazy wild blissful relationship was long forgotten.
When we attended the reunion he turned up without his wife with his children and I turned up just with mine and we spent more or less the whole event laughing, talking, reminiscing about ‘those days’ and chatting about everyone we knew and what had become of them without ever mentioning our relationship. We were very natural with one another considering it had been such a long time since we’d seen one another and one of our mutual friends (the one who had introduced us all of those years ago) eventually sat with us and said “You guys, the day you met it was like you had know each other your whole lives and look at you now, you are exactly the same, you guys should have been together all along it’s sad that it didn’t happen” and that kind of dampened our reconciliation in that it kind of reminded us both that we were in a different world now, we had partners, kids, we shouldn’t be so exclusive at this event, even though our kids were getting along so well they’d all taken off and were happy doing their thing. We more or less said our goodbyes right then and that was that apart from the odd message on birthdays on Facebook.
About 3 years ago he messaged me and asked if I was free for a chat, he left his number, I rang him. He was wanting some marketing advice on a project he was working on and asked if I could possibly help him out with that being one of my fields of specialism. I just happened to be at a conference in London the next week so arranged to meet up with him and have dinner and discuss it, I said he should bring his wife.
The dinner arrived and I wasn’t bothered about how I looked, that I’d gained a ton of weight and wasn’t the young thing he’d loved back then, it didn’t matter he was out of bounds and in a way that helped, I think had he been on the market so to speak I would have found it impossible to visit with him. I arrived at the designated restaurant first and was surprised when he came alone. We discussed business and then went for a walk on the Thames Embankment (something I really didn’t recall ever having done with him before until he reminded me). During this walk he began to reminisce about our relationship and told me he’d loved me on sight and have never stopped loving me and he apologised for not believing or trusting me and for not allowing me to explain what had actually happened, saying that the intensity of the love he felt for me at the time made the supposed betrayal hard to bear and how it made him feel scared him as he hadn’t wanted to get deeply involved with anyone at that time. I knew how he felt, I remembered feeling the same concerns we had both been at crucial junctions in our lives and careers.
He said he’d found out years later from someone else that he had been mistaken in what he had concluded about the nasty night we broke up and he had never forgiven himself for letting me go then or for a second time after we’d been thrown together in another bizarre twist of events although that time we didn’t even speak it was just being together and then walking away. I apologised to him because I could see how what had happened was so difficult to believe, it was the most bizarre situation and turn of events and there was no way he would have accepted any explanation than the one he’d jumped to. I’d had my part to play by even being in the situation.
At this point we were standing in a particularly romantic spot, a glass of wine or two down and pouring hearts out and I felt a magnet drawing us together and I knew if I touched him I’d be in a whole heap of mess so I mentioned his wife again and the spell was broken and we physically backed off. I had mentioned her at the beginning and he’d said she wasn’t well and had urged him to come alone. He poured out the ‘we’re drifting apart’ speech ‘she doesn’t understand me’, ‘I’m unhappy’, ‘I made a huge mistake’, ‘she was a rebound’, ‘she’s never been you’ and I let it bounce off me. I didn’t want romance with anyone and I didn’t want romance with someone’s husband who was suffering a mid life crisis and finding marriage a bit stale and wanted a fling with his ex who reminded him of youth and carefree wild abandon times.
I made my excuses and went back to my hotel. Well, they weren’t excuses, I said I was flattered that he found me in my bloated, aged state still desirable but if he was looking for a fumble with someone behind his wife’s back there were finer specimens to choose from if he thought that losing his family was worth it. I didn’t give him time to explain… it kind of felt good, like payback from the night he wouldn’t let me explain. But at the same time I felt sad. I’d always felt sad thinking of him as I’d really, really thought he was my one back then, I’d adored the guy and it was without doubt the closest I’ve come to being in love (apart from that gorgeous Portugese guy but then I think that was insane lust which made the room around us blur and my heart beat faster just at the sight of him… it lasted 4 weeks whatever it was, an intense 4 weeks but not the years the fall out from this guy had lingered).
So fast forward through a couple of long distance friendly chats, his divorce 2 years ago, some support offered during the pretty nasty custody battle which resulted in the youngest child being declared ‘somebody else’s’ by the DNA test and we arrive at Saturday just passed.
“It’s like being stripped of your manhood” he confided when he talked about the struggle to get back on his feet again, “I’m tired, I need to escape now it’s done, it’s not even like an achievement I’m exhausted”. I was proud of his achievements since the divorce and how he’d found the mental strength to cope with everything and how he had emerged able to hold his head up with his kids and be the best father possible for them against the huge odds that had been vindictively stacked not in his favour. I saw evidence, it was a very messy divorce and I deployed a mutual friend to support him a few times not wanting to be involved at all in any way after the Thamesside revelations.
“Do you want to come visit me?” I asked “Just come here, I’m by the coast, it’s pretty right now, we can talk and walk and eat and drink healthy stuff and it will be a break from the norm for you. Get out of the city, fill your lungs with clean air, relax and take some time off work.”
“I couldn’t think of anything I’d like to do more right now” he said and I was instantly terrified and wondered what on Earth I had just done.
So what have I done? I want him to come visit, I want him to heal a bit and have some fun and escapism and that’s why I offered but my feelings are in turmoil now. I’m hoping he is over his feelings that the Thameside revelations just finished everything off, got it out in the open and put an end to it all. But then I have this little butterfly going crazy in my stomach that is excited to be seeing him again and not just as I was excited to see my friend who came to visit yesterday. I don’t know what I want to do… I don’t want to be a recovering divorcee’s fall back. Is it too late for him to be hung up over his divorce it was 2 years ago? I don’t want physicalness. I don’t know if that’s what he thinks is on offer. BUT at the same time I have a palpitation going on at the thought of him arriving, at the thought of having him ‘back’ to myself in a strange kind of way, to be able to spend time with him not worrying about wives and partners and kids, just being us… as we were years ago, free from our burdens and just shaking off some dust. We laugh so much when we talk, we talk so much when we talk, our friend at the reunion was right, we just pick straight back up like we did that first night we met and surprised ourselves at how quickly we felt comfortable with each other and scared ourselves by how fast we fell for one another.
So here is the question: are we star crossed lovers getting our second chance or am I a love starved old fool? Has he really carried around ‘a thing’ for me for all these years or is he hankering for ‘the thing he had because it’s easier to get than a new thing’? Is there too much water under the bridge? What if he makes a move on me? What if he doesn’t?! I know it’s not going to be platonic, I know it isn’t and by inviting him to stay at my house I just made certain of that… we’ve never stayed at one another’s house since that last time we were together and our crazy love was shattered by a misunderstanding. This is a big step having him over and what is more he knows I don’t make a habit of inviting guys over. When I invited him he was in like a shot, no hesitation and that cute, naughty giggle he did way back when he first invited me to his house… oh gosh I wish I had lost my memory. Be a lady Michelle, be a lady, that’s what I must do, that’s what I keep telling myself. Keep your cool and just play it all safe.
He’s arriving tomorrow lunch time… the spare room is made up, the wine’s in the chiller, there are freaking strawberries and oysters coming out of the woodwork (we love them not for any other reason you know), I even made a retro playlist with this on it for crying out loud before realising that we both like Sade but that one had to go.
Well the next update on this situation is going to be interesting and there isn’t even an end date, I don’t know how long he will be here, there was no time frame, he has his own business so he doesn’t have to be anywhere. Oh my gosh this feels like the end of an episode of Soap… will Nick arrive? Will he make a move on Michelle? Will Michelle resist his advances? Will Nick show Michelle his own version of Hip Hop Abs? Will Michelle still be able to walk by Thursday? Find out on next week’s episode of Breaking The Yoyo!