I’ve turned another corner. I want to update on my progress not just based on size & weight and today’s an update where those two things pale into insignificance next to the emotional progress I’ve made.
I’ve been very cautious about socialising, meeting up with friends, attending functions and dining out because I didn’t quite trust myself yet to be able to make the right decisions when I was dropped in the middle of the candy shop. It’s safe at home where there are no foodie temptations and where my exercise bits and bobs are, my DVD’s and treadmill and whatever.
These few days have given me a real boost because I realise I’m stronger than I thought and I am able to live my life now rather than wait for some distant future date when I can. I can trust myself now and that’s going to have a huge impact on the way my life will change from here on. I have more or less been a recluse for two years and these past few months I’ve ventured out a little but now I feel that I’m ready to re-engage with life full on. That’s a big step emotionally for me and I’m quite proud of myself. I know it’s taken the love of a good friend to kind of lead me and I’m grateful for that and I’m not downplaying the importance of that but at the end of the day I’m not giving him all of the credit either. I did this and I’m proud of myself. I’m having this moment of glory and for want of a better cliche, I’m owning it.
I can easily make healthy choices in restaurants, I can find ways to exercise when my usual routine is upset and my equipment is not around, I can be in a house with a big filled cookie jar and not eat any, I can entertain guests without feeling I’m forcing them to be on a diet, I can allow myself treats in moderation. All of this is part of being a normal person, part of being a slim healthy person who doesn’t wage a constant losing battle with food. I’m not there yet physically, but mentally I’ve made huge strides to being the person I want to be. What is more I feel attractive again already and I feel worthy of being loved, I feel confident, I feel optimistic and positive, I feel I have a contribution to make to life beyond my work and motherhood. I don’t mean this all in a romantic way, not at all, it’s not as shallow as that, this is not about anyone else, it’s about me. I don’t want to feel attractive to anyone else, I just want to feel attractive… full stop… for me if that makes any sense. I don’t want a particular person to love me in a particular way, I just want to feel worthy of the love of whoever loves me for whatever reason.
I knew I’d turned a corner on the night of the party, when Nick came into my room after I’d finished getting ready and he said “You’re still very beautiful you know”. I didn’t blush or cringe or tell him to shut up, or disbelieve him I said “I know I am” and he said “Good”. It was the honest truth. I wasn’t being big headed or conceited, after all beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but for once in my life I was able to hear that compliment and believe it, not be flattered by it but believe it. I’m on the way to loving myself, not again but for the first time and it’s new and exciting and I’m flushed with all that jumble of emotion of first love and it’s amazing and it’s better than feeling love for anyone else. I’m happy. I’m not on the road to happy, I’m there. If that isn’t the best progress update ever I don’t know what is and I didn’t mention a weight loss or inch loss at all. I could get on the scale now and find I’m still the same as last time or I’ve even gained a pound but I’m still winning. Some of the best things in life can not be measured.
Have a great Sunday x