So I did it, I went to my local gym and spa and re-joined. I had my tour and I was about to book my first ‘assessment’ session for the weekend when I seriously grabbed that bull by both horns and said to the delicious young taut, bronzed, blue eyed chap who had guided me through the process “Please let me have my assessment now, I can be back in ten minutes in my lycra all in one, please do it now, don’t let me lose my bottle”. He laughed, probably secretly hoping I was joking about my lycra all in one (as I was) and said he’d have a word with the personal trainers and see if one could fit me in. I urged him to try all he could to cram me in sideways if need be and dashed off to get my gear on.
I’m not about to make myself look a prize git anywhere, so I just wore some cropped leggings (in fat lass black of course) and a big tee shirt (well let’s face it I would have looked like the only gay in the village in a lycra all in one). British TV show for anyone who is wondering… this is the guy:
I returned to be told that Darren was going to give me a going over. Now step forward Darren and strangely enough my heart rate was up there at fat burning pace without me moving a muscle. Darren is my personal trainer… get that, he’s MINE! He is 26, 6’4, jet black hair, the bluest twinkliest eyes ever, dimples, gorgeous teeth and built like a brick sh*t house. He’s a power lifter. He has girth. Solid girth. That’s all I’m saying. Just imagine Darren for a moment.
“So what do you want to achieve sweetheart?” he asked me.
“Less fat” I smiled as I wiped my mouth with a handy tissue I’d thought to bring along.
“OK, from anywhere in particular?” he asked smiling and putting me at ease.
“My body please” I answered.
Darren laughed. I like Darren.
“What is your first goal do you think?” he asked.
“Are you good?” I flirted.
“Very good. The best.” he flirted back… yes he did! He did!
“I’m going to Barbados and I want to be a size 10” I put on my puppy dog ‘help me’ eyes.
“We can do that” he reassured.
“In 10 days” I smiled.
“Oh maybe I’m not that good” he laughed. “But we can get you there for next summer”
“Go for it!” I enthused.
“OK so you just want to lose weight and improve fitness in general? So shall we focus on that with some cardio and we’ll do some strength work which will help with toning and get you a nice strong core which will help with whatever you want to achieve” Darren’s mouth was moving, his eyes were twinkling but all I could hear was harps.
“Yeah, sounds good” I said “Strong core, that’s what I’m thinking”.
“So let’s just run through your general health shall we?” he said as he motioned to a bench and I noticed an ipad in his hand for the first time.
We ran through my health and medical history, he weighed me and measured my height, he measured my thighs… that was dangerous, thank goodness I had C-sections is all I can say or the excitement might have caused a catastrophe. He measured everything anyway.
He put me through my paces and he said he was pretty impressed that for someone of my weight and age I was as mobile and agile as I was. I’ve always been light on my feet, it comes from years of tiptoeing to the fridge.
So he said I’ve got really strong quads and glutes and so he wanted to make sure I was using them a lot in both cardio obviously and in strength training to burn up as much rubbish as possible. He approved of my eating habits and said we can focus on fine tuning when I’m rid of the majority of the weight. He noted my upper body strength is pants and said it was important to get this weight off as I carry so much around my torso and that’s not good. But he reassured me we can do it. He did accentuate the positive, which I liked but he did point out the dangers too. I like that he kept it real and it wasn’t all jokey fun. This is serious after all. It’s no laughing matter being this overweight at my age, but being able to see the funny side makes this mountain a whole lot easier to climb.
So he asked me to do a bit on the cross trainer, a bit on a bike, a bit on a treadmill while he worked me up a programme for the next ten days which we’ll review when I get back from hols.
I enjoyed it so much! I chatted to the lady next to me who seemed to follow me around and that made the time pass so quickly. I coped well with the settings he’d put me on and as I looked around I saw other people, a range of other people. Some older than me, some younger, some fatter than me, some thinner, some fitter than me, some not so and I felt good. The most important thing was not a single one was looking at me or slightly interested in what I was doing.
“I was thinking, do you want me to push you hard and make it hurt before your holiday? Would you be up for that?” a voice said to me as I was clambering off the bike, “You know, really stretch you?”
“Oh Darren you’re going to be a handful aren’t you?” I spluttered as I near fell into his arms.
“More than a handful, you will never forget me especially once I’ve given you the body you want” he smiled “By the way I forgot to mention, you’ve got a good deep squat there princess” and he freaking winked!
The dirty little bast*rd!!! Men eh? What are they like? They flirt with anyone. Tut tut tut 😉
So if you’re worried about being too old and fat to go to the gym… GO! Just go! Demand a Darren, I felt like I’d lost 50lbs when I’d finished with him. He wasn’t judging me, he was excited by the challenge, he was excited to get someone who he is really going to see results with in the long term, he’s as excited to get to work as I am. I’m not pushing for weight loss I listened to what he said and he was right, if I really stretch myself I will just feel fabulous when I go on holiday regardless of what I look like and that will help me to keep focused and not over eat or stop exercising.
Just get living. We fat folk, or at least some of us, miss out on all this fun, we miss so much life because we feel unworthy, self-conscious, lacking in confidence and really a lot of it is in our heads. People don’t notice our lumps and bumps as much as we do, they really don’t. Let your inner warmth shine through and I know we’ve all got bags of it because no body can spend as many years as we have being unhappy and hating ourselves and not have a good, wise, strong person inside with a solid character and a will to live. Get that person out. Go sign up for a gym if that’s what you have been wanting to do don’t let your fat stop you. You’re more than your fat and stronger than your fat. Fat is the enemy, don’t let it win!
Tomorrow I’m starting my programme with Darren at 9am and I’m taking my swimming gear and I’m going to go and have a steam and a flounder around in the hydro pools and jacuzzi afterwards Stuff it, if anyone in there is offended by my size they can always leave can’t they? I’ve got a holiday to prepare for.