Food and Exercise

Last night I cooked a really tasty mackerel soup, very easy, cheap (depending on where in the world you are and availability of ingredients of course) and delicious, freezes well and packed with good nutrients.

Just fry a big rough chopped onion, 4 garlic cloves roughly chopped, a chopped up green and red pepper, a couple of de-seeded Kenyan chillies a pinch of sea salt, lots of black DOI_1830pepper, paprika, turmeric, chilli powder, ground coriander, throw in a tin of tomato puree, tin of tomatoes, bay leaf, few peppercorns, squeeze of lemon, chopped carrots, diced potato and swede, sliced courgettes, chopped aubergine, a good cup of chick peas, and a handful of fresh chopped coriander, get it boiling with a pint or so of water and then lay whole mackerel that have had heads and tails chopped off and have been gutted and cleaned. Stick a lid on the pan and leave to simmer for 30-40 minutes. Squeeze in more fresh lemon juice and serve with a sprinkle of sesame seeds. Delicious.

This morning I had a good shakshuka for breakfast, very early. I prepared most of it lastShakshuka night as it’s very similar in terms of its base to the soup but of course has the eggs poached in the sauce. Very filling and a good start to the day.

Lunch was a light tuna salad and for dinner we had a garlic and lemon whole roast chicken with a mixture of salads,  radish and onions, tomato and basil, carrot and peanut and beetroot with orange.images (4)

I successfully pulled off TWO burpees today as well as an hour of hard core boxing based partnered work out with my trainer, punching and kicking and skipping. It was mostly about cardio today, tomorrow we’re on strength. I was exhausted at the end of it.

I also went for a morning Tai Chi session on the beach in the warm torrential rain which was wonderful… too early even after an early night I was feeling it trying to get up early this morning. I had a nap after my work out After lunch it was time for a good brisk walk and this evening I’m planning on some Hip Hop Abs.

I’ve drank gallons of water today, it’s been warm and I’ve been very active. Tomorrow I’m going to have a swim before my gym session and I won’t be doing much all day because my kids are coming home and I am going to be spending the afternoon and evening totally devoted to them – hugging and chatting and just being plain old mum.

It’s been one of those tough days today where my body started off having a revolution but it soon picked up. I know it’s because I’m feeling a little bit deflated after yesterday’s high, it’s just been one of those days that we know will come.

Is it just me or do obese people over think everything? I believe we internalise a lot of what goes on around us rather than letting it just go over our heads, I think a lot of us are very sensitive to our impact on others, probably part of a desire to be accepted, to fit in and maybe a also generated by a deep sense of insecurity and an acute lack of self confidence. I’ve been wondering today if I’m not too enthusiastic about my enjoyment of my life on my blog and feel maybe I should focus on my diet and exercise and progress and less on my euphoria and other things that are happening in my life.

I share my feelings in the hope that they encourage someone to take the steps they feel are impossible but I’m not here to save the world, I’m here to save me and sometimes I feel my success might do more harm than good in terms of making people feel they just can’t do this or just aren’t ready for it. I know how that feels, I know what it’s like when someone is telling you how to make changes, if the heart isn’t ready for change it’s not going to motivate anyone and it has the opposite effect and I would hate to be the reason someone goes and binges on crap food and feels more miserable.

I know how it feels to be poor, I’ve even experienced homelessness with a child and a pregnant belly which was terrifying, I know what it is like to be disadvantaged I spent twelve months locked in a cupboard in my own excrement only being let out to get raped and have a beating but I’ve been fortunate enough to experience plenty too and I’ve experienced love, joy and kindness by the bucket load. I feel I may have been insensitive to people who may read who can’t afford to do the things I do and that they may become disillusioned by that, imagining I’m somehow blinkered to the plight of someone who doesn’t have it as easy as me and without regurgitating my gruesome back story every time I post I can’t always express that my life journey hasn’t always been and still isn’t easy. I know lots of obese people can’t work either physically or mentally they are not able to hold down a job, buy the clothes they need, have the self belief or confidence required to work and I know that can lead to poverty and that poverty can lead to a poor diet and that a poor diet makes them fatter and getting fatter makes them more miserable and even more isolated. I know the cycle, I’ve been on it. Only sheer bloody mindedness to provide for my kids and never be beholden to anyone else as long as I live gets me out to work, if not for that I’d be 400 pounds slumped on sofa killing myself. I know some people don’t have my strength of mind.

I need to shake these feelings and thoughts off as they will get the better of me. I am not an insensitive person and I am sad that I may come across as one. I don’t want to ever do any harm but sometimes I have to appreciate that harm can be done inadvertently by being too open and by being too gung ho when people reading might be struggling. I feel a little bit selfish and a big bit insensitive and I of all people should know better. I’ve been there having success flashed in my face and it’s pissed me off when I wasn’t in the mood for it. This is one of the reasons why I don’t want to share photos, I’ve had a significant reduction in size I don’t want to give an impression that everyone can do that in 16 weeks, I happen to look thinner than I weigh, it’s probably the way I hold my weight, where it gathers or because I’m tall I don’t know, but I don’t want to feel that I misled anyone who expected their weight loss to look as dramatic as mine. In my early photos I was very bloated due to poor gut function and water retention and that bloating vanished in days but it wasn’t weight.

I try to be as honest as possible about my struggles without being too dark, I try to represent the way it is for people who are morbidly obese, people who are literally killing themselves, I try to understand through my blog what is going on in my head, which processes cause me to go to the fridge when I’m sad, stressed, lonely, fed up, bored, hurt, sick… I know lots of people empathise with those feelings and emotions but it’s not up to me to psycho-analyse the obese of the world and I have to just keep this journey about me, myself and I. My journey to weight loss and how I do it as in what I eat and how I exercise. It’s not my place to preach or inspire. This is simply a record, that’s what it was intended as and that’s what it should be.

Strength, like happiness has to be generated from within and there isn’t anybody who is going to make us happy or give us the will to make changes, we have to do that for ourselves. It’s very much a personal solitary battle when all is said and done. It’s like a sprinter lined up in the blocks for the 100 meters sprint final at the Olympics. There may have been lots of people who have helped, advised, assisted, supported and encouraged but when that starting pistol fires it is just you against yourself, it’s your mental and physical battle and yours alone, you are the only one who can make your mental will to win overcome your physical boundaries and push you beyond your limit. You’re the one who knows how much it hurts, nobody else has a clue, you’re the one who knows how much you want it and you’re the one who hits that tape alone and feels the joy of accomplishment that no one else can ever understand. I don’t profess to be in the head of everyone, all I am is someone running in that same race or even someone cheering on from the sidelines or even from miles away via the medium of television. At the end of the day the sprinter is alone doing the running.

I’ve had a wonderful friend with me today, I’ve had a wonderful day and I’ve laughed and smiled and joked but inside I’m so sad because I feel I might have made someone feel inadequate or pissed someone off and made them go eat. I want to go to the shop now and buy every chocolate bar in the place and sit on my living room floor with the curtains closed, the lights off, the door locked and a sob story movie on and stuff my face till I’m sick and cry with self pity.

I’ve come so close to asking Nick to go home today so that I could do just that but I’ve found the strength not to by reminding myself of my children coming tomorrow and how shit I’ll feel if they come home to find me in a sugar induced stupor feeling fat and sad again. I don’t want to be that person anymore, I have to just ride this feeling through, convince myself I’m not a bad person and get to the other side. I have to remind myself that this journey is played out on a knife edge, one tiny thing and you’re not only falling, you’re being cut to pieces on the way.

I’m going to have the hug that I’ve resisted all day for fear that I’d end up a sobbing heap now and watch a funny movie, I’m not going to eat, I’m not going to be sad, I’m going to overcome this feeling, just me, calling on my own strength and will to get through it. We are responsible for our own happiness, no one else can do it for us. Writing this has helped me to find some peace, my mind has been in tatters for most of the day and I need to set it all back to ‘normal’.

I can’t wait to see my kids tomorrow and have them back home even though my daughter will be gone again in a couple of days. I’m going to have some good times with them that’s for sure.

Happy weekend whatever you’re doing and wherever you are

Mich 😀 x

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8 thoughts on “Food and Exercise”

  1. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, please don’t start doubting yourself now. Stay strong. You’ve been soaring so high, you had to come down sooner or later. OMG to the hints of your phycho boyfriend past, but like you said, you shouldn’t have to go there. You don’t have to justify yourself!

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    1. I’m good. August sucks and I thought I’d made it through the beginning but nah… it’s a bombardment of anniversaries, the anniversary of my marriage, my separation, my brother’s death, his and my dad’s birthdays my own birthday which is not the fun it was before I started getting the cards with a 4 at the front. I just needed to get out some of that horrid unworthiness and that’s how it manifested itself and I’m not going to let grief or regret or self doubt or anything take away the happiness that there is there for me at the moment, I’m going to take it and not let anything ruin it. Thank you again x

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  2. I can only speak for myself, but I love hearing about your happiness! It doesn’t matter what is going on in my life, you have a right to be happy in your life. You are not responsible for others’ poor choices and poor behavior, they are the ones who are responsible. You can only control your own behavior and you’re doing a fantastic job of it! Losing weight and healthy behavior is tough. Life is tough. ((hugs))

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    1. Thank you Cynthia that means a lot. You’ll see from my responses to other comments that I’ve identfied where my wobble came from I think and I’m feeling a bit better now, hugs from my babies make anything better and I have a fab holiday to look forward to. I’m lucky and I never ever forget that, I’m not going to feel bad for having things in my life going well, there have been many years where things were not going well and I guess I’ve paid my dues and now is my time to just be happy. Thank you x

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  3. It’s an incredible story and I’m sure writing as you do helps rationalise your feelings. You are clearly incredibly sensitive to the trials and tribulations of others but you cone first. The only thing you should overdose on is hugs.

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    1. Aww thank you Andrew, I needed some I think, what a great time for my kids to come home! August is a shit month for me and I thought I’d managed to overcome the awful sense of loss and loneliness it always brings but it caught me in the end.

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  4. Oh, Michelle, now it’s ME who is feeling awful because if there’s even a slight chance that what I wrote the other day in my blog about my lack of a life has been any kind of a trigger for this, I’m really sorry because it certainly wasn’t meant to make you feel bad. And perhaps I’m assuming far too much in thinking it might have but I just wanted to put this out there. Any feelings I may have whilst reading your blog which are in the nature of, for example, feeling sad that I’m not progressing as fast, that I don’t have a lovely man in my life right now, that I don’t have the funds to travel extensively at the moment – those are on ME and me alone, and the same goes for anybody else who reads what you write. You write what you write. You can’t control how people react to it and it’s not your job to do so. There was a time when I was much younger and 100 times less mature when I might have said stuff like, “When she wrote X it made me feel Y,” but with the wisdom that’s come from learning the hard way I now know that nobody makes me feel anything except me. It’s nobody else’s fault how I choose to react.

    My blog post was really an open letter to myself to crystallise some thoughts that have been swirling around in my head. Youl know how sometimes you have scattered thoughts that are blowing around like leaves, and you try and catch them and put them together but they keep slipping from your grasp? Kind of like that. So it was very therapeutic writing it and I’m very glad I did because even though I’m still struggling a little, I’m a lot closer to a good mindset than I was and that’s a good thing. 🙂

    Keep writing, please. At least let me live vicariously through your exciting adventures. It only makes me want to try some of my own before I’m too old and decrepit to do it 🙂

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    1. No Deb not at all, I was just thinking to myself and I’d commented on someone else’s blog post and felt it had been a bit preachy and so I declined to comment and a few things really just made me wonder if it was in keeping with my original intent. I’ve talked about how I felt to my daughter today and she said that if my blog makes me feel better and makes it easier for me to do what I’m doing that I should pretty much do what you say and accept that if people feel offended that’s their problem not mine. I don’t court followers so I don’t mind if people find my blog isn’t what they need to read and don’t bother with it. I guess I just had one of those moments where you think you’re doing good only to ask yourself if you really are and I have to not even think of my blog as being for anyone else, it’s for me and if someone wants to stop by and have a read that’s up to them.

      My daughter said it’s like sitting in my bedroom talking to myself, if someone wants to stand at the door and listen they can or they can walk on by thinking I’m a mad rambling woman who talks to herself, or they can knock and ask to come in for a chat, what they can’t do is come in and ask me to talk about something else as it’s my bedroom, my space, my choice what I do in it. I also can’t expect that everyone who stands at the door to listen hears something they want to hear and as I don’t know they are there and I don’t know them I can’t advise them to keep walking, that’s their choice.

      I think she developed her allegoric skills from years of listening to me and she was so right, she made so much sense. She said if they heard me saying something they didn’t agree with and knocked on the door and came in to discuss their alternative view point then they might find out there is more to me than they realise or that I have experienced more than the surface shows but they’d have to still knock and I’d still have to let them in to do that.

      I feel better now. I think I was having a down day, it was the anniversary of my brother’s death, the one who was nice to me, the anniversary of his and my dad’s birthdays and my own birthday approaching which has never been the same since they passed away and ageing up is never fun and perhaps just a bit of a wobble about feeling feeling’s I’ve not felt for ages and that horrid feeling of being unworthy that I constantly battle and know I shouldn’t have to. But hey no damage done, Nick was fabulously supportive, we’re looking forward to our holiday and I’ve been destroyed by Darren this morning and my kids are happy and home and it’s been a lovely day.

      Thank you for your kind words, maybe my post was a bit of a letter to myself too to not get so overwhelmed by my success to be insensitive to others who are not enjoying that high yet. I know how that feels.

      Mich x

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