Last night I cooked a really tasty mackerel soup, very easy, cheap (depending on where in the world you are and availability of ingredients of course) and delicious, freezes well and packed with good nutrients.
Just fry a big rough chopped onion, 4 garlic cloves roughly chopped, a chopped up green and red pepper, a couple of de-seeded Kenyan chillies a pinch of sea salt, lots of black pepper, paprika, turmeric, chilli powder, ground coriander, throw in a tin of tomato puree, tin of tomatoes, bay leaf, few peppercorns, squeeze of lemon, chopped carrots, diced potato and swede, sliced courgettes, chopped aubergine, a good cup of chick peas, and a handful of fresh chopped coriander, get it boiling with a pint or so of water and then lay whole mackerel that have had heads and tails chopped off and have been gutted and cleaned. Stick a lid on the pan and leave to simmer for 30-40 minutes. Squeeze in more fresh lemon juice and serve with a sprinkle of sesame seeds. Delicious.
This morning I had a good shakshuka for breakfast, very early. I prepared most of it last night as it’s very similar in terms of its base to the soup but of course has the eggs poached in the sauce. Very filling and a good start to the day.
I successfully pulled off TWO burpees today as well as an hour of hard core boxing based partnered work out with my trainer, punching and kicking and skipping. It was mostly about cardio today, tomorrow we’re on strength. I was exhausted at the end of it.
I also went for a morning Tai Chi session on the beach in the warm torrential rain which was wonderful… too early even after an early night I was feeling it trying to get up early this morning. I had a nap after my work out After lunch it was time for a good brisk walk and this evening I’m planning on some Hip Hop Abs.
I’ve drank gallons of water today, it’s been warm and I’ve been very active. Tomorrow I’m going to have a swim before my gym session and I won’t be doing much all day because my kids are coming home and I am going to be spending the afternoon and evening totally devoted to them – hugging and chatting and just being plain old mum.
It’s been one of those tough days today where my body started off having a revolution but it soon picked up. I know it’s because I’m feeling a little bit deflated after yesterday’s high, it’s just been one of those days that we know will come.
Is it just me or do obese people over think everything? I believe we internalise a lot of what goes on around us rather than letting it just go over our heads, I think a lot of us are very sensitive to our impact on others, probably part of a desire to be accepted, to fit in and maybe a also generated by a deep sense of insecurity and an acute lack of self confidence. I’ve been wondering today if I’m not too enthusiastic about my enjoyment of my life on my blog and feel maybe I should focus on my diet and exercise and progress and less on my euphoria and other things that are happening in my life.
I share my feelings in the hope that they encourage someone to take the steps they feel are impossible but I’m not here to save the world, I’m here to save me and sometimes I feel my success might do more harm than good in terms of making people feel they just can’t do this or just aren’t ready for it. I know how that feels, I know what it’s like when someone is telling you how to make changes, if the heart isn’t ready for change it’s not going to motivate anyone and it has the opposite effect and I would hate to be the reason someone goes and binges on crap food and feels more miserable.
I know how it feels to be poor, I’ve even experienced homelessness with a child and a pregnant belly which was terrifying, I know what it is like to be disadvantaged I spent twelve months locked in a cupboard in my own excrement only being let out to get raped and have a beating but I’ve been fortunate enough to experience plenty too and I’ve experienced love, joy and kindness by the bucket load. I feel I may have been insensitive to people who may read who can’t afford to do the things I do and that they may become disillusioned by that, imagining I’m somehow blinkered to the plight of someone who doesn’t have it as easy as me and without regurgitating my gruesome back story every time I post I can’t always express that my life journey hasn’t always been and still isn’t easy. I know lots of obese people can’t work either physically or mentally they are not able to hold down a job, buy the clothes they need, have the self belief or confidence required to work and I know that can lead to poverty and that poverty can lead to a poor diet and that a poor diet makes them fatter and getting fatter makes them more miserable and even more isolated. I know the cycle, I’ve been on it. Only sheer bloody mindedness to provide for my kids and never be beholden to anyone else as long as I live gets me out to work, if not for that I’d be 400 pounds slumped on sofa killing myself. I know some people don’t have my strength of mind.
I need to shake these feelings and thoughts off as they will get the better of me. I am not an insensitive person and I am sad that I may come across as one. I don’t want to ever do any harm but sometimes I have to appreciate that harm can be done inadvertently by being too open and by being too gung ho when people reading might be struggling. I feel a little bit selfish and a big bit insensitive and I of all people should know better. I’ve been there having success flashed in my face and it’s pissed me off when I wasn’t in the mood for it. This is one of the reasons why I don’t want to share photos, I’ve had a significant reduction in size I don’t want to give an impression that everyone can do that in 16 weeks, I happen to look thinner than I weigh, it’s probably the way I hold my weight, where it gathers or because I’m tall I don’t know, but I don’t want to feel that I misled anyone who expected their weight loss to look as dramatic as mine. In my early photos I was very bloated due to poor gut function and water retention and that bloating vanished in days but it wasn’t weight.
I try to be as honest as possible about my struggles without being too dark, I try to represent the way it is for people who are morbidly obese, people who are literally killing themselves, I try to understand through my blog what is going on in my head, which processes cause me to go to the fridge when I’m sad, stressed, lonely, fed up, bored, hurt, sick… I know lots of people empathise with those feelings and emotions but it’s not up to me to psycho-analyse the obese of the world and I have to just keep this journey about me, myself and I. My journey to weight loss and how I do it as in what I eat and how I exercise. It’s not my place to preach or inspire. This is simply a record, that’s what it was intended as and that’s what it should be.
Strength, like happiness has to be generated from within and there isn’t anybody who is going to make us happy or give us the will to make changes, we have to do that for ourselves. It’s very much a personal solitary battle when all is said and done. It’s like a sprinter lined up in the blocks for the 100 meters sprint final at the Olympics. There may have been lots of people who have helped, advised, assisted, supported and encouraged but when that starting pistol fires it is just you against yourself, it’s your mental and physical battle and yours alone, you are the only one who can make your mental will to win overcome your physical boundaries and push you beyond your limit. You’re the one who knows how much it hurts, nobody else has a clue, you’re the one who knows how much you want it and you’re the one who hits that tape alone and feels the joy of accomplishment that no one else can ever understand. I don’t profess to be in the head of everyone, all I am is someone running in that same race or even someone cheering on from the sidelines or even from miles away via the medium of television. At the end of the day the sprinter is alone doing the running.
I’ve had a wonderful friend with me today, I’ve had a wonderful day and I’ve laughed and smiled and joked but inside I’m so sad because I feel I might have made someone feel inadequate or pissed someone off and made them go eat. I want to go to the shop now and buy every chocolate bar in the place and sit on my living room floor with the curtains closed, the lights off, the door locked and a sob story movie on and stuff my face till I’m sick and cry with self pity.
I’ve come so close to asking Nick to go home today so that I could do just that but I’ve found the strength not to by reminding myself of my children coming tomorrow and how shit I’ll feel if they come home to find me in a sugar induced stupor feeling fat and sad again. I don’t want to be that person anymore, I have to just ride this feeling through, convince myself I’m not a bad person and get to the other side. I have to remind myself that this journey is played out on a knife edge, one tiny thing and you’re not only falling, you’re being cut to pieces on the way.
I’m going to have the hug that I’ve resisted all day for fear that I’d end up a sobbing heap now and watch a funny movie, I’m not going to eat, I’m not going to be sad, I’m going to overcome this feeling, just me, calling on my own strength and will to get through it. We are responsible for our own happiness, no one else can do it for us. Writing this has helped me to find some peace, my mind has been in tatters for most of the day and I need to set it all back to ‘normal’.
I can’t wait to see my kids tomorrow and have them back home even though my daughter will be gone again in a couple of days. I’m going to have some good times with them that’s for sure.
Happy weekend whatever you’re doing and wherever you are
Mich 😀 x