I’ve been telling my friends about Darren over dinner and it’s left me wanting to write as usual. Then I’m going to bed and closing down WordPress for a week or so… I know I’ll read and comment while I’m lying around a pool somewhere and I might even sneak in a little post but I’m hoping to keep away from ‘the world’ as much as possible. So…
I don’t get angry, not externally. I’m a very calm person on the outside. But today I’ve realised I’m not a paragon of virtue, I just internalised my anger and got angry with me and that led to hating me and hating me led to wanting to damage me. Remember we’ve considered that obesity, over eating is a fat person’s version of self harm? That fits yet again here.
Every time something hurt me (and I’m not saying I never played a part or did some hurting back) I didn’t get angry, I acted tough, I acted in control and I turned that anger into myself. On the surface, I forgave, I let it go.
I remember when my psycho ex used to torture me, I knew if I cried he would stop but after a while I wouldn’t cry, I would remove myself mentally from the situation, I couldn’t feel, I didn’t care, he couldn’t hurt me, I was not letting him because I was not giving him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. My anger at him internalised, instead of crying, shouting at him, hitting him back, I turned it in on me. I shielded myself by shovelling that anger away and bunging up its escape hatch with self hatred and the self hatred made me deserve what was happening to me. I wanted to torture me so no wonder he did.
When I was a kid and my brother used to smack me in the face or pull my hair as I handed him a treat because he was jealous that I’d been the one to get my dad to buy us the treat I didn’t dislike him, I internalised my sadness and imagined there must be something bad about me to get a smack in the face for doing something good, I internalised my anger and turned it on me.
People always say I’m very calm. When I confront people I do so in a very calm manner, when I’m annoyed at someone I deal with it calmly, when there is a crisis I handle it without fuss. All those feelings, fear, anxiety, anger were absorbed internally, it’s not that they were not there as everybody suspected, including me, they were there just hidden.
And there it all stayed for years, getting bigger and bigger. I used to say anger was a wasted emotion, just like envy, jealousy and vengefulness. I never seek revenge, I leave that to karma, but I plan revenge then absorb it, I don’t get jealous or envious I’m happy with what I have and I trust me so I trust others. But then there have been times when I’ve felt pangs and I’ve just absorbed them, turned the anger inward of a rejection for a job because a colleague pushed themself forward or stole my work or just because they had the guts to apply, or seeing my lazy perma unemployed sister land yet another door mat partner to provide her with everything I have to work so hard for. I thought I wasn’t bothered but I envied those things, I was envious or jealous for sure but I didn’t realise, I just turned it on me and got angry with myself for being so stupid, careless, lazy, unlucky… whatever and then buried it.
My marriage failed and I blamed me for choosing the wrong husband, I let my anger at his complete misrepresentation of who he was just wash over me and I couldn’t hate him, it was easier to be angry with me and hate me. It was easier to hate me for my kids not having a dad who cared about them than to blame him and get angry with him.
I learned these past few days, anger isn’t a wasted emotion. Anger misplaced, mis-directed or expelled inappropriately is dangerous, never more so than when it is directed internally and you let it make you hate yourself.
Anger is a real emotion and it needs letting out.
I remember years ago when I studied behaviour and psychology that most murderers are people who never or rarely get angry or lose their cool, they are not people who routinely go around slaughtering people, picking fights and screaming and shouting, they are often meek, mild, long suffering types who one day just snap. The anger they have internalised just explodes out of them with devastating consequences for their victim and for themselves I guess, depending on how much of am empathetic humanitarian you are.
I know now that I was full of anger, years of build up like some filthy clogging mould growing inside of me, I was caked in the stuff but I was masking the stench of it all with some eau de self loathing. I could smell the self loathing and forgot it was covering up the anger.
Being physically weakened to the point where I didn’t think I could hold my head up and having someone shout at me that I’ll always be a fat waste of space just like all of those people have said all of my life, I’ll never be happy because I don’t deserve to be because I’m weak and lazy and can’t be bothered to work for it, it just penetrated that self loathing and broke the seal on the anger and it erupted and it was finally OK to cry, there was no one there only some dick head trainer, it was OK to let my body heave with the biggest sobs I’ve ever heard come out of a human, it was OK to be angry at them all, at my dad for leaving me at my brother for leaving me at my husband for being a shit dad, at my psycho for treating me like a dog, at my brother for punching me in the face, at my mum for encouraging the kids to ridicule me and for never fu**in talking to me, at my boss for taking credit for everything I ever did and when I’d done with crying and wanted to lash out it was OK to punch and kick my trainer or a punch bag or a ball or a mat or some pads or anything that was put in front of me and then when the anger subsided to relax and breathe and feel a little bit more free.
Gosh I really was/am messed up. I can’t believe I’ve functioned these past how many years, I feel so different now, I feel real somehow, I think I was kind of acting as me before and I wasn’t winning any Oscars believe me. Punching the shit out of Darren every day has given me something I’ve never had before, peace in my heart.
It was good to have a happy session today, with laughter and challenges of a much nicer nature and encouragement which drew not on my pain but on my will to improve and I know it’s not all gone but it’s going, it’s like a slow draining bath, the majority has been bailed out with big buckets and flushed down the loo but there’s some still trickling away. The plug’s out though and I just have to keep it out because it’s this that has made me struggle with my weight all my life, this is why I’ve damaged myself by over eating and why when I’ve not been protected by my armour of fat I’ve had my finger on the self distruct button in other ways when I was slim.
I’m heading to healthy, slim and happy for the first time ever and I can’t wait to get there and now I feel like this I know it’s going to happen and soon.