I didn’t realise that when I started my healthy eating, weight loss, life extending plan back in April that there were so many things in my life which needed attention. But as I started to make changes to what I ate and what I did in terms of activity, I started to notice more the things around me and about me which could also use some attention. Istarted to realise how everything impacts on our emotional and mental health. I started to realise just how much I had given up on living.
I noticed how drab the decor had become in the house, how it had been left virtually untouched for a couple of years, how lack lustre everything was around me, how sparse the house was with my beautiful little objects gathered from my travels not even unpacked since I’d moved into this house. I realised that as I walked into the house, the hall was tired and fed up and I realised that there was no wonder I felt the same (drab and tired) every time I came in. Was the house a reflection of me? I think so. Had I become a reflection of the house? I think so. It was a horrid circle, I couldn’t be bothered with it and it wasn’t helping me. So I changed it.
As I ventured out more into the garden I started to recall how much I loved to grow things, how much pleasure it used to give me and how relaxing I found it and I realised it had been a long time since I’d cultivated anything. As I became more focused on eating healthy I thought about combining my two passions, new and old and growing some food to save money and to assure myself that at least I knew where some of what I ate came from. I started growing things.
I started to realise that although I love my job, the environment was stifling, the way education is governed and dictated in this country the target focus, the back office politics, the bad attitude towards the students, regarding them as an inconvenience notthe reason, the lack of support for innovation, the huge insurmountable culture shift needed and I realised that although it sustains me it doesn’t uplift me. I’m going to change that.
I looked at my kids and realised they were frazzled, they had been living with a shadow of their former mother, they had been worried, they had been supporting me at times when I should have been supporting them. I haven’t neglected them but I’ve not been the person I was, the mother I want to be, the mother they deserve. I want to be happy and hopeful and vibrant and strong, I want them to bring their worries to me and let me help them not be afraid to put another nail in my coffin. So I’ve changed that.
I thought I didn’t need a partner, I thought I could get through life alone, without romantic love, without passion without a companion by my side, without someone’shand to hold on a long walk or someone to laugh with or dance with or to just feel pretty for. I thought I didn’t need it, I didn’t want it, I’d had my share and I was used up, I was like a crazed horsewoman driving a horse and carriage as it sped along, bounced over rocks and pot holes and sent my fat ass crashing down onto the wooden bench and sliding around as I wildly held onto the reins wishing I could have a break but not daring to let go of those pieces of darned leather that were cutting into my hands. Each time some one came along and sat beside me and tried to take those reins I’d boot their ass off the cart and leave them bouncing behind me down the road. I’ve allowed myself to fall in love for the first time. I’m handing over the reins.
I believe that when we set out to change something about ourselves it’s like we start with a drip as we make that move to change one thing, we have no idea how soon making that change will empower us to make another and another until the drip becomes a cascade, a refreshing tumult of change which opens up new parts of ourselves, which cleanses our life and gives us it back again, which washesaway the film from our eyes and makes us see the possibilities for yet more change. It’s liberating, truly liberating. I say it all the time but it’s true, every journey starts with one step and even if we have an idea of our direction we really do not know where that journey may lead wherever it is, it’s got to be better than the nowhere I was heading before.