Today: letting go

Well that’s me and Darren done until I get back from hols. Today was harsh, my hips are aching, he had me kicking him and punching him and chasing him all around the big group class room. Gosh I was exhausted. He’s big but he’s fast. At one point he was throwing tennis balls around the room and I had to run and pick them up and get them back into a box… how simple yet how effective. I was knackered I’ll tell you and then the git started pelting them AT me! It was such fun trying to dodge them and jump them.

He’s done something amazing for me this guy and I need to get him a special gift because he’s really pulled my insecurities out and laid them bare and he’s made me get angry, he’s seen into my soul I think just from the few chats we’ve had, he’s seen how hurt I am or was inside, or maybe he just knows that it’s a pretty safe bet that most obese people have issues. He’s had me punching and kicking every sucker who ever made me feel any sadness or pain or who lowered my self esteem or shattered my confidence, I’ve battered people I didn’t even remember until I started letting it all go and yesterday he made me attack myself… I am not blameless and this is true.

Seriously I wind up crying every session but in a very healthy let it all go kind of way. Darren is not just a personal trainer, he is a counsellor, not officially but that’s what he is. Everyone should have one. He’s called me names, he’s teased me, he’s brought so much anger out of me that I didn’t even know I could feel. Then the clever bugger has converted that anger into energy and strength but I don’t just feel stronger in my body, I feel stronger in my mind. Seriously I have shed some nasty crap that was clogging up my head, it hasn’t been easy, at least three times he’s had to forcibly drag me back into the room when I’ve told him to F off and started to walk out eyes stinging. I think it helps me knowing some of his back story and how messed up he was and some of the bad things which have happened to him, he knows how these things eat away at us.

I had a steam and lounge in the hydrotherapy pool afterwards which he joined me for so that was nice to have him to chat to and then I had to go into work for a meeting. Hang on, I have to say that Darren is fit as fooohooook (excuse my inner teenager appearing there) but Darren in his swim shorts and nothing else… salivation was not the word ladies let me tell you! It was slightly embarrassing being less clothed than I usually am with him around but hey, he doesn’t see me as a fat middle aged lady, he sees me as a work in progress and had me turning around and flexing like Arnie in the 80’s. He said he wants us to make a point of going in the spa together once a month so he can keep an eye on progress. He can do what he likes I am not averse to sitting sweating or bubbling with him for mental stimulation at all. What am I like? Oh well, men have been doing it for years, it’s time we middle aged ladies got to do some of the same… at least we see it for the fun it is and don’t go leaving our wives and kids and thinking they want us for anything more than influence or money.

I wasn’t looking my usual professional self at work as I went in casual clothes and had no make up on and my hair all scraped back but I’m heading to have some pre holiday pampering this afternoon so there was no point in doing much to myself. I have my mani and pedi and waxing and respray and my hair appointment which will keep me busy much of the afternoon. My son’s helping my mum with her garden today so he’s been there since the crack of dawn and won’t be back until he’s eaten her out of house and home. Lucky thing, my mother is a seriously good baker and she will have prepared him a feast for sure. In spite of my poor relationship with my mother she adores my son, not my daughter please note I think they’ve barely uttered 100 words to each other in her life, but my son and her have a special bond which I’m not about to come between. Odd that her most despised child produced her most beloved grandchild.

Nick’s meeting me at my daughter’s tomorrow lunch time, I’m heading off there in the morning with my son and we’re going to have some fun time together doing whatever they have planned for me and then as far as I’m aware we are going to fly to Barbados on Saturday from London I think. All I have been given is instructions to get to my daughter’s for 12 tomorrow with my son and to take an overnight bag and my packed holiday luggage and my passport. Everything else is a surprise.

I am not good at surprises and normally have to organise everything but I’ve let go now, I’m quite liking someone else being in control and someone else making the arrangements and panicking about the detail. I did ask a question about insurance and was told that I have dangerous sports cover… that was a side swipe, I had imagined this was going to be about lying on beds and cocktails. I have wondered where my car’s going and how I’m getting it back and if we’re both driving down to London or if Nick’s meeting me at my daughter’s on the train but I stopped thinking and am just doing as I’m told.

So I have my holiday luggage packed and my over night bag for tomorrow night, I’m going to drive down smart casual and have packed a nice dress in case we go out tomorrow night.

I’m excited for my birthday not just because I’ve promised myself I can have a small piece of cake if anyone buys me one but because I’m happy that for a change I’m looking forward to it, it has been pretty much a non event for a while now, my 40th was perhaps the last time I celebrated in style and actually enjoyed my day. I’m thinner, happier and more confident than last year and I can only imagine what I will be typing here on this date next year, the world is still my oyster, even fast approaching 47 there is still so much to live for.

I’m down 4lbs already this week which is amazing but not a surprise after the work I’ve put in and the little I’ve been able to eat. Darren wanted to weigh me to get a before and after holiday reading otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered until I get back. I think that he was pyschologically getting me to prepare for my holiday so that I do not come back with a gain. I won’t, I know I won’t. I’m well into the zone with this thing, I’m not going backwards, no way. This is my life now and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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4 thoughts on “Today: letting go”

  1. Oh my goodness, I wish I had a Darren!! For more than just the eye candy too. I love watching those weight loss tv shows where the trainers break down their clients emotionally. I really would love to experience that. Hope your birthday is fabulous. Enjoy. 🙂

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    1. Thank you 😀 I’ve always watched them and thought it would never happen to me, that I wouldn’t cry or get angry but my word do I? gosh I really let go, I think it’s because he waits until I’m physically exhausted and then it starts and because you’re so tired your mental resistance is low, your barriers are down and it all tumbles out and then you get this rush of energy from the anger and before you know it you’re still moving.

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    1. She definitely went into competition with me when he was little but I wasn’t buying it, there is only a competition if two sides are playing and I just let her get on with it and carried on being his mum. They both understand why I’m not into my family and they feel it’s justified, he just has a loyalty to my mum I guess in the way I kind of do but his relationship with her is more healthy, he gets hugs and told that she loves him etc etc something I never got. But I’m glad he has a nana, I never had one mine was too much like my mother and my other grandparents were all dead before I was born. His other grandparents have died so same as me they only have their maternal grandma.

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