I miss her, I really can’t put into words how it feels. Last time I saw her it was crazy, I felt so emotional at the thought of the imminent opportunity to hold her in my arms, to smell her and feel her that I could barely breathe, I felt scared to even catch sight of her because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold my emotions in and she found it so amusing when finally I looked at her and hugged her and sniffed her and stroked her through my tears.
I can feel her hand in mine, that delicate little soft pouch of chicken bones as we laughingly call them, so unlike mine, so dainty and delicate, so fragile and elegant, I only have to think of her and I can feel it, that tiny hand even in adulthood, gently placed in mine.. never clinging, too confident and sure for that, just there because it fits, no other reason.
I can smell her, I think of her and my senses are reminded of her fragrance, a fresh, autumn wind smell of new life, youth, excitement. That fragrance I could nuzzle down into forever, comforted, calmed, assured, hopeful… safe.
I can see her, I hear her soft voice and my mind is filled with her, the smoothness of the rise of those wonderfully sculpted cheek bones, the cute shiny section on the end of her nose, the brightness of her eyes, the brilliant white surrounding the deepest brown, almost black, so dark and rich and shiny that the pupils are indistinguishable, the way her eyes lift at the edges, happy eyes framed with the blackest of lashes, strong, thick and flicked up like all the individual features of her eyes are smiling.
I held her in the cold, dark, early hours of a winters morning, I drew her into me, she nuzzled, her perfect little face pressed against my skin and her eyes opened, lids fluttered, she squinted and screwed up her tiny face, she tried to focus, then she relaxed, those big black spheres aimed directly at mine, another tiny frown, a sigh and I felt her thoughts “So you’re my mum?”. “Yes, little one I’m your mum” I replied kissing the end of her tiny soft shiny nose. We breathed a simultaneous deep sigh and it made me smile as she closed her eyes and nuzzled some more, content, united in a bond unbreakable. Promises were made in that moment, a million promises unspoken, each to be upheld.
I still feel her in my arms, I still see her tiny face, I still smell her newness but she’s not here and I miss her.
Expecting another, wondering how can I share this, not knowing how it works, not bearing to take anything away from the one who already has all of your heart, not being able to fathom that when another arrives there is no sharing, a whole new heart full of love opens up. Just as one does not replace another, one can not replace another. I still miss her even though I have him. I still love him even though I miss her and one day I’ll miss them just as much as I miss her.