Update

I’m going to find time to do this properly this week and update my graphic and my weight loss stats page as I’m on break now from one job at least. But I like to do my updates on progress as soon as I can after weighing as they help me to think about my achievement and spur me on for the next weeks.

It’s been almost a month since I last weighed in. I don’t weigh myself much these days. My PT encouraged me to leave it a month so that I’m never disappointed and this goes along well with what my counsellor says about me not being side swiped by a gain, a stay the same or a very small loss. We have discovered from our chats that I’m really not good with bad news, in my happy little bubble of eternal optimism anything going wrong floors me irrationally and I reach out for things to stop me from sinking… food being the most commonly used commodity throughout my life. We’re working on why even slight bad news destroys my status quo so severely and catastrophically and we’re getting there (tears have flowed so freely it’s a wonder I don’t have rising damp in my cheeks) but until then we’re avoiding bad news especially any related to my weight loss.

My loss has slowed for a couple of reasons and these are not excuses as I am eating healthy and exercising. Firstly I have cut my exercise as I was becoming obsessive about it and healthy body and mind means I shouldn’t be addicted to anything (I blogged about this last month I think). Also I have lost a huge amount of weight and so my exercise isn’t using as many calories as I’m not hauling around such a huge mass. in addition to this it does just slow down at some point from those early day big losses. It becomes more steady as our bodies just become used to our new lifestyle and instead of trying to fight that and kick start and mess around with starving and all that I’ve done in the past, this time I’m not fighting it, I’m accepting that as part of the new me, this is who I am now and this is how I eat, move and live, there is no rush. I’ve hurtled to this point, I can do the other half of this journey at a more leisurely pace. I’ve already made huge impacts on my health, my chances of living longer, reduced the likelihood of developing weight related illnesses and I’m just a new person. I am not stopping here, I’m carrying on to slim and there is nothing to stop, this, as I said, is my life, it’s the way I live, it isn’t temporary. That’s what it was always meant to be, a forever change so that I never go back there.

Finally, I am doing a lot of strength training which means I’m increasing healthy muscle mass and density which is making me a more efficient user of energy procured from good healthy wholesome sources. This may also impact on my weight loss statistics and not reflect my loss of size and pounds of fat.

So I am now at a 93lb total weight loss, having lost 8lbs since my last weigh in and while I’m really trying not to have weight related goals I can’t help but think about how amazing it is going to be when I find that I have lost 100lbs either next month or the next one… what a Christmas gift that will be!

This month I also made peace with my mother. It was strange how it came about, I just had a throwback memory to her sitting crying at the dining table and I remembered how awful it felt to see her cry and I tried to put it into a context to recall why she was crying. It was the only time I ever saw it happen. Recalling that alone made me realise that she is a strong lady, her life hasn’t been easy, from start to finish, but she always did her best, the best she knew how to do and she never meant to hurt anyone, it’s the last thing she wanted, she just didn’t know how to mother a daughter, she wasn’t mothered herself, neither was her mother, it was an historical lack of ability which I’ve broken now. It was up to me to do it, my sisters only had sons, I had to break the cycle and in some ways it was thanks to my mum’s ineptitude that I was able to do it, for that if nothing I should be grateful. For giving me life I should be grateful. For the tears she must have cried worrying about how she was going to care for all of our needs and provide for all of us, for the years of nights she must have spent awake nursing sick kids, for the hours she spent cooking, washing, cleaning, keeping our home clean, warm, safe and our stomachs filled with the most delicious food for miles around, for her example in her charitable deeds, her acts of kindness to other kids who had nothing, making us befriend children she knew were starving so that we would bring them home to play and she could feed them without embarrassing their parents. For all of that I love her, I do and finally I can tell her. For teaching me without me ever reaslising it how to be a provider, how to be resourceful and how to make my family the centre of my world and for teaching me how to not favourite one of my children over the other.

You know what? When I told her I loved her, for the first time in my life ever, because for the first time in my life ever I actually realised that I did, she told me that she loved me too, for the first time in my life ever and more than that she surprised me by saying “You’ve always been my special one, you’ve never known it but you’re different to the others, your dad always said the same thing when he was alive and I’ve never told anyone because you really shouldn’t have favourites but you have never caused me worry and you did nothing but brighten this family. The minute I saw you, your birth was different to all of the others, your reaction to being here was different to all the others, I knew you were a special one”.

Now I’m not a special person, I’m just me, but to hear my mum who I believed disliked me my whole life say that was beyond my comprehension, I really didn’t know how she felt, I really thought she hated me and I know that she just didn’t know how to be my mum, she just didn’t know. She didn’t know how to stop the other kids from hating me, she didn’t know how to help me overcome my issue without offending and upsetting me, she never supported me because she wanted to be fair, she blamed me for things because I had to have my share of reprimand, deserved or not. It wasn’t because she singled me out as not being loved, it was because she wanted the others to not feel I was being singled out because I was so loved.

Thank God and really, really, really I mean that like never before, thank God for the realisation before it was too late, that my heart was softened and I could go to her and tell her that none of it mattered, I love her and I see her as a woman now, a mother who has struggled and cried who has sacrificed and given everything to her family. Sometimes we have to make the first step, I didn’t want her to love me, I’d got used to her not loving me it didn’t matter, but I wanted her to know that I loved her at last, now as an adult, without being prompted to do that I would never have known what she told me.

There were no dramatics and there is no need for change, we know now and that’s that, we never had a falling out as such, we just kept our emotional distance so there are no amends to make, it’s just dealt with, no need for grand gestures.

I’m healing though. Wounds are being closed up and scars are fading fast. We don’t depend on anything, be it food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, bad relationships without reason, we are always making up for something missing and I’ve just been really fortunate to have found one of those reasons and to have had the chance to put it right. I’m not done yet but it’s all making me feel so much stronger and I’m developing a real sense of inner peace which I have never felt before.

Obesity needs tackling on all fronts, it’s not all about food.

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8 thoughts on “Update”

  1. You are so right, fighting fat is so much more than food. I appreciate your sharing about your relationship with your Mother.

    My Mom struggled with her weight all her life and did everything she could to lose weight. Therefore, she watched everything I ate as well. I learned to sneak food and eat it in secret. When I got married, I ate everything in freedom. You know what happened, I ballooned in size and struggled myself for over 40 years.

    Praise God for His delivering power to free us from this bondage. You are going to make it. You are going to succeed. Just keep taking one step at a time, your victory is coming.

    http:www.talkingtomyweightlosscounselor.wordpress.com

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    1. Thank you, I will enjoy reading about your journey too. You will only half believe the amazing benefits you are about to feel and the crazy rollercoaster of emotions you are about to go through, I hope that some of my ramblings will help you understand this crazy transformation into someone new, yet someone who we thought we always knew. Use your blog to off load, to ramble out your feelings and to rant when you’re feeling like it’s all too much, so many fab bloggers will be there with words of encouragement and inspiration or to just tell you to man up and get on with it.

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  2. Bloody fascinating, Michelle ! It looks as though your new persona and the concomitant of your new view of yourself have combined to bring about this marvellous thing !
    I am VERY, VERY happy for you !!!! I could only wish that I had had the opportunity to do the same: even though my mother and I were too alike (which caused all the friction), we never talked to each other. She died without telling any of us that she loved us, I think; and yet I am sure she did …
    So you are really, really blessed; and it is the reward of all this amazing hard yakka.
    GOODONYER !

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  3. Michelle, I’m commenting a bit late but I’m so pleased you have been able to make peace with your mum. I think it’s important to acknowledge as adults ourselves (and as a parent, in your case) that in most cases, even parents who did the wrong things by us, generally did so with the best intentions at heart. Parents are not gods, just ordinary people, and they aren’t perfect and they stuff up. And it’s wonderful that you have reached this place while she is still around and you can build a new kind of relationship with her. I always think of this old song when I find myself feeling hurt and angry still about stuff in my past. It’s so true.

    PS great job on your loss!

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    1. So so true Debs. I never thought it would happen but it’s done now. I think others in the family are expecting a big effort now in terms of visits and whatever, but that’s not going to happen, it’s kind of like we’ve said what needed saying it’s done and we know and we’re happy at that. In that sense we are very similar, we know what we know and we hold thing treasured inside without needing to get them out and display them.

      I also think they thought it would see a revival of relationships with them but it won’t, all the bridges that need mending have been mended, I feel so much more free without my family, i feel like I can soar and I’ve nearly reached a point where I stop worrying about them all, I’m letting go and learning that worrying about other people my whole life has made me always put myself down the list of my priorities. The only people I need worry about are my kids and myself, I don’t have an obligation to fret about anyone else and with myself and my kids I know that the love and concern and support are reciprocated. I know they have my back as much as I have theirs.

      I realise now how important it is to spend your time upholding those who care about you too. It used to sound very selective and selfish to me but now I see that it is more healthy for me, it’s more normal, over reliance is not normal it’s debilitating and I’ve raised my children not to be over reliant on anyone and I enjoy that thy are capable of living their lives with greater or lesser degrees of independence now (age differences considered) yet they are there for one another. I see how I’ve forged their relationship and their development and how I’ve done it because it’s healthy and right and good for them and for each other, I don’t want to go back to that feeling of having the world on my shoulders and yet when I need support I find myself alone. I pretended for long enough that I didn’t care about that but I did, I had no real comprehension of how much it had hurt me, time after time and how it had made me the untrusting, tense and at times obsessively independent person I am.

      I’m learning to relax around people who I feel genuinely care for me and I’m letting people do things for me for the first time without feeling tense and nervous about not having that control, Nick is good for that, he understands me which is a miracle, but then I’ve opened up to him, it’s a case of us getting together at the right time I think.

      I love the song, it’s a beautiful song and I’m sure many many people relate to the lyrics so yes I’m glad that I got to put it right and get it said before it was too late.

      Thank you as always for your support with all things, you know what to say when I’m laughing and also when I’m hurting, when I’m struggling and when I’m striding, it means the world to me. Thank you x

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