I’m going to find time to do this properly this week and update my graphic and my weight loss stats page as I’m on break now from one job at least. But I like to do my updates on progress as soon as I can after weighing as they help me to think about my achievement and spur me on for the next weeks.
It’s been almost a month since I last weighed in. I don’t weigh myself much these days. My PT encouraged me to leave it a month so that I’m never disappointed and this goes along well with what my counsellor says about me not being side swiped by a gain, a stay the same or a very small loss. We have discovered from our chats that I’m really not good with bad news, in my happy little bubble of eternal optimism anything going wrong floors me irrationally and I reach out for things to stop me from sinking… food being the most commonly used commodity throughout my life. We’re working on why even slight bad news destroys my status quo so severely and catastrophically and we’re getting there (tears have flowed so freely it’s a wonder I don’t have rising damp in my cheeks) but until then we’re avoiding bad news especially any related to my weight loss.
My loss has slowed for a couple of reasons and these are not excuses as I am eating healthy and exercising. Firstly I have cut my exercise as I was becoming obsessive about it and healthy body and mind means I shouldn’t be addicted to anything (I blogged about this last month I think). Also I have lost a huge amount of weight and so my exercise isn’t using as many calories as I’m not hauling around such a huge mass. in addition to this it does just slow down at some point from those early day big losses. It becomes more steady as our bodies just become used to our new lifestyle and instead of trying to fight that and kick start and mess around with starving and all that I’ve done in the past, this time I’m not fighting it, I’m accepting that as part of the new me, this is who I am now and this is how I eat, move and live, there is no rush. I’ve hurtled to this point, I can do the other half of this journey at a more leisurely pace. I’ve already made huge impacts on my health, my chances of living longer, reduced the likelihood of developing weight related illnesses and I’m just a new person. I am not stopping here, I’m carrying on to slim and there is nothing to stop, this, as I said, is my life, it’s the way I live, it isn’t temporary. That’s what it was always meant to be, a forever change so that I never go back there.
Finally, I am doing a lot of strength training which means I’m increasing healthy muscle mass and density which is making me a more efficient user of energy procured from good healthy wholesome sources. This may also impact on my weight loss statistics and not reflect my loss of size and pounds of fat.
So I am now at a 93lb total weight loss, having lost 8lbs since my last weigh in and while I’m really trying not to have weight related goals I can’t help but think about how amazing it is going to be when I find that I have lost 100lbs either next month or the next one… what a Christmas gift that will be!
This month I also made peace with my mother. It was strange how it came about, I just had a throwback memory to her sitting crying at the dining table and I remembered how awful it felt to see her cry and I tried to put it into a context to recall why she was crying. It was the only time I ever saw it happen. Recalling that alone made me realise that she is a strong lady, her life hasn’t been easy, from start to finish, but she always did her best, the best she knew how to do and she never meant to hurt anyone, it’s the last thing she wanted, she just didn’t know how to mother a daughter, she wasn’t mothered herself, neither was her mother, it was an historical lack of ability which I’ve broken now. It was up to me to do it, my sisters only had sons, I had to break the cycle and in some ways it was thanks to my mum’s ineptitude that I was able to do it, for that if nothing I should be grateful. For giving me life I should be grateful. For the tears she must have cried worrying about how she was going to care for all of our needs and provide for all of us, for the years of nights she must have spent awake nursing sick kids, for the hours she spent cooking, washing, cleaning, keeping our home clean, warm, safe and our stomachs filled with the most delicious food for miles around, for her example in her charitable deeds, her acts of kindness to other kids who had nothing, making us befriend children she knew were starving so that we would bring them home to play and she could feed them without embarrassing their parents. For all of that I love her, I do and finally I can tell her. For teaching me without me ever reaslising it how to be a provider, how to be resourceful and how to make my family the centre of my world and for teaching me how to not favourite one of my children over the other.
You know what? When I told her I loved her, for the first time in my life ever, because for the first time in my life ever I actually realised that I did, she told me that she loved me too, for the first time in my life ever and more than that she surprised me by saying “You’ve always been my special one, you’ve never known it but you’re different to the others, your dad always said the same thing when he was alive and I’ve never told anyone because you really shouldn’t have favourites but you have never caused me worry and you did nothing but brighten this family. The minute I saw you, your birth was different to all of the others, your reaction to being here was different to all the others, I knew you were a special one”.
Now I’m not a special person, I’m just me, but to hear my mum who I believed disliked me my whole life say that was beyond my comprehension, I really didn’t know how she felt, I really thought she hated me and I know that she just didn’t know how to be my mum, she just didn’t know. She didn’t know how to stop the other kids from hating me, she didn’t know how to help me overcome my issue without offending and upsetting me, she never supported me because she wanted to be fair, she blamed me for things because I had to have my share of reprimand, deserved or not. It wasn’t because she singled me out as not being loved, it was because she wanted the others to not feel I was being singled out because I was so loved.
Thank God and really, really, really I mean that like never before, thank God for the realisation before it was too late, that my heart was softened and I could go to her and tell her that none of it mattered, I love her and I see her as a woman now, a mother who has struggled and cried who has sacrificed and given everything to her family. Sometimes we have to make the first step, I didn’t want her to love me, I’d got used to her not loving me it didn’t matter, but I wanted her to know that I loved her at last, now as an adult, without being prompted to do that I would never have known what she told me.
There were no dramatics and there is no need for change, we know now and that’s that, we never had a falling out as such, we just kept our emotional distance so there are no amends to make, it’s just dealt with, no need for grand gestures.
I’m healing though. Wounds are being closed up and scars are fading fast. We don’t depend on anything, be it food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, bad relationships without reason, we are always making up for something missing and I’ve just been really fortunate to have found one of those reasons and to have had the chance to put it right. I’m not done yet but it’s all making me feel so much stronger and I’m developing a real sense of inner peace which I have never felt before.
Obesity needs tackling on all fronts, it’s not all about food.