It has been crazy hectic around here the past few days.
My kids came back from their trip totally thrilled with their independent extravaganza. My son was rendered speechless by having seen his heroes in action. Nick picked them up from Heathrow for me and brought them home and I got to have them both together for a few days before my daughter had to go off again to work. Blessed, blissful days when we are all together.
I know it might sound ridiculous but just lying in bed being able to hear them both breathing in deep slumber from their rooms is something which stills my soul and makes me feel that all is good with the world. It must come from years of being finely tuned to their every sound and without even realising it taking some kind of subconscious satisfaction in just knowing they are safe and well. Having had silence for a few nights perhaps my ears were waiting to hear those gentle sounds again before I could fully relax.
Anyway mission accomplished, I feel I have let loose another few yards of apron string, we all survived and they more independent for it and my daughter is not traumatised by having the responsibility for her brother whilst thousands of miles away from the mother hen.
Nick has been spending more and more time with me. He’s been great helping me get my business ready and he’s done a few jobs around the house for me which I can’t say didn’t need doing. These days I’m not so hot on the DIY front as I once was. So we’ve had some decorating finished which I had started and my son’s bedroom and man pad/den were completely refurbished as a surprise in his absence, he loved them so that was a hit.
I got to give my garden a pre-winter tidy up. We’ve had such a mild year, last winter was a non-event, the summer was hot and long and we’ve had a very mild autumn so we may be in for another killer winter, but hopefully it will be mild. I don’t think I will be out gardening quite so much although the things I have growing under my greenhouse stylie covers are doing good.
My daughter’s room is becoming more and more empty with each visit as she takes another load of stuff off with her. i think we’re almost at done now with just a few things which she wants to keep but doesn’t want to take with her. I smiled remembering the box of my things which were too important to give up when I left home, similar things which are no doubt still in my mother’s loft and have never been touched since. It made me think about how fleeting some of the value we place on objects is and made me realise how insignificant possessions really are when we balance their worth against the next ‘thing’ we’re on to.
I’ve got a few posts in draft state so no doubt they will get finished this weekend and I’ll do a post bombardment including a weigh tloss update, so I need to get myself weighed in for that. I’ll also have a reading catch up frenzy too so don’t freak if it looks like I’m stalking your blogs with comments and likes over the next couple of days. I miss having time to read so much when I’m sidelined with other things.
I’m pretty much home alone this weekend. My son has things planned, residual events from bonfire night. When it is midweek it seems to go on forever with parties the weekend before, on the actual night which was a Wednesday this year and then the following weekend. It’s been a crazy fortnight of halloween and bonfire/Guy Fawkes night celebrations to be fair, there has scarcely been a night I’ve not seen or heard fireworks exploding over the sea from my bedroom window… I’m not complaining about that, it’s a beautiful sight and the smells of bonfire night always get me reminiscing to when my dad would come home with boxes of fireworks and the neighbourhood would pile into our garden as we were one of a few families in our neighbourhood who could afford the luxury of sending pounds worth of hard earned money up in smoke. I loved the smell of sulphur in the air and the sound and smell of the crackling bonfire with the guy we kids had made perched on top.
My mum would take on a mission to feed the entire neighbourhood too, cooking from the day before, making trays and trays of toffee apples, bonfire toffee in little bags, parkin (a kind of dense oatmeal and treacle cake) and ginger cake and filling the oven with tons of small jacket potatoes with crispy skins served up in paper with dollops of butter and a sprinkle of salt. I used to love the warm feel coming through my gloves when on a really cold night she would pop a potato in each pocket for us to warm our hands on. Old school tricks and traditions… memories are good and I like to dwell on those good childhood memories these days.
If I hadn’t been fat I think my child hood would have been near perfect, but then I guess they would have found something else to be horrid to me about and the sibling rivalry would have still been there. But it’s far more healthy to remember the good stuff, when we were all enjoying something with a common purpose and shared wonderment and the bad stuff was in the back ground where it belonged.
So it’s been a good few days, if busy with work and caring for my family and spending time with Nick… not that it’s hard work doing that, he’s super sweet and things are going really good. I’m letting someone do things for me for the first time ever and I’m starting to quite like it. I’ve lost my feisty edge and feel much softer these days and far more relaxed.
Life is good and although I don’t for one minute think it will stay this way forever, I ‘m enjoying it while it is. This road to a new me is tough, make no mistake, the food is not the biggest obstacle to overcome, the exercise isn’t the toughest challenge I’ve faced, it’s this inner battle to find peace, to find a safe place where it’s OK to love myself and to let other people in to love me that is the hardest part. BUT… I’m getting there and it feels better and better with every step forward… there are steps back too but I’ve learned to get over those. I still maintain that this blogging community and the ability to blog has been my real lifeline, in spite of the people who have helped me in my ‘real’ life, the help, inspiration, laughs and sense of camaraderie I get from here is second to none in terms of support and I’m grateful to everyone who has inspired me to keep on with this and to recognise that it wasn’t just about physical health.