Over 100lbs lost

I did it. I got over the 100lb mark. I’m terrified of being identified as I know there are people who would love to put me off this journey and I really am not ready to let them into my life to cause chaos but at the same time I want to share myself with people who have been following me… something I always said I would do at the end, when I’m at goal… well you know how I feel about calling that the end, when actually it will be the beginning of a totally new way of life which I’m learning along this phase of my transformation.

Anyway, I’ll do the full details of the weight loss to date later and update Tracey, I think she has a couple of chunks to come off now. But I’ve tried to show in this picture without revealing any identifying features (I’ve even black and whited it so no one recognises my top and cropped out my decor in case anyone recognises my wall paper, I’m not paranoid, I just know what they will do to me if they find anything out about my life and especially if they see me healing), but anyway I’ve tried to show my ‘day one’ photo, taken as I was at that point in time when I resolved to do something about my grotesque self and my picture taken yesterday when I tried on a dress I’ve actually shrunken out of before I got chance to wear it.

Hopefully you can see how I’ve progressed without giving away too much of my identity. My face will have to live in your imaginations until I’m there, I just can’t risk those people getting involved in my life, even to think of them talking about me makes me feel like eating a whole chocolate cake. I have to work on this with my counsellor, it’s the hardest challenge because nobody really believes how evil they are and what they are capable of and how much they affect me. It’s a shame because my facial transformation is perhaps the most shocking when I looked at these photos, I was just some features pressed into a massive lump of fat, now I have a face and cheekbones and a nose and eyes again! It’s amazing and you will see them one day I promise.

On my fattest picture I’m just a blob, over 300lbs, no shape just a rotund blob.Look my arms, they don’t even touch my sides, they’re hanging out there like useless appendages supported by fat and they’re even shortened by the side boob or whatever it was under there. And they used to hurt, they had no strength, muscles were wasting, seriously.

Look at my chins coming down to my chest, no neck at all, deep crevices where the fat must have rolled up when I lie down. I purposefully wore a top which had a spillage of curry on it, to remind myself of the glutton I’d become, shoveling food in so fast I didn’t care if it fell onto me.

My bust is indistinguishable, my collar bones vanished, my shoulders starting to slope and my spine starting to curve because of it…it makes me sad to look at this picture. I’m sad that I hate myself in it and I just fill with tears thinking about the people who still loved me, when I was like that and how amazing those people are/were and how unworthy I really was. What had I done to myself? So so sad, looking at this I can’t tell you how this makes me feel.

How could I risk that? I was killing myself, I ask if I even loved my children, did I even think of what I was doing to them? It makes me so sad. I did love them, I just didn’t know what I was doing, I was destroying myself. So sad. People might say nasty things about me but they will never know what led me there, they won’t know how they could never say anything as bad as I say to myself. Gosh, it’s awful to look back now and just think about what I was doing to myself and my kids, we, the morbidly obese or super morbidly obese,  just really don’t know, we’re lost in a world of hurt and misery and weakness and while we’re in there struggling, this happens.

For once in my life, I see the newer body next to it, a size I’ve been at many times in the past and not seen for what it was, a relatively OK size and shape, in need of some trimming still but I saw this body as a monster for so long, I saw this size body as twice the size of the one on the left, in the mirror it was bigger, huger, uglier than what I eventually became and that, that is what made me the bigger huger uglier thing I became, because I had no concept of my own size.

Life, people, the media, my family, myself had made me think I was already a grotesque monster and dieting only made me grow bigger and bigger as I yo-yo’d… no, not even yo-yo’d there came a point where I wasn’t going down I was just going up, like the great glass elevator, straight up, no sideways or downwards, just up and out.

Now I quite like the body on the right, it’s healthy, it’s got a shape, it’s got tone, it fits in clothes, it moves, it doesn’t ache, it doesn’t creak, it works efficiently, it’s well fueled, it doesn’t have curry all over it, it has a neck, it’s not engulfed in folds of fat when it sleeps, my arms move around like a human’s instead of a warped T-rex, over a hundred pounds of fat has gone from around my body, it’s been sweated off, it’s been nourished off, my skin is glowing and healthy and bronzed, my hair is thick and shiny, my posture is one a ballet dancer would be proud of but more than that I know I’m saving my life. I have more to do, further to go, another mountain still to climb but I’m loving being on top of this one. I’m not only giving myself more life, I’m making myself happier and this last phase is going to be all about bringing sexy back so watch this space.

Anyone can do it. Just want to. Find something that makes you want to and latch on to it. Please if you are in the state I was in or heading there find something in your heart that makes you want to stop and rewind, your kids, your mortality, your happiness…anything. Don’t destroy yourself anymore, just find a way to heal. I started in April 2014 and I’ve come so far, it’s not even about weight loss alone, my mental and physical health, my attitude to work, my love life, my friendships, my hobbies, everything has changed for the better. I’m buying life, not only in terms of a longer one but in terms of a more fulfilling, enriched one. We all deserve that, even us broken, fat, miserable folk. We do.