I am amazed and almost brought to tears of self pride, amazing good feelings rush through my body when I see how I am still making progress even though now this all mostly feels like normality to me.
I love myself for the changes I’ve made and continue to make. I love how good I’ve made me feel. It’s just fabulous. I don’t need any Christmas presents, I’ve given myself and my children the greatest gift possible ever, I’ve earned us more time together. I’m prolonging my life, my time to be their mother, their time to have their mum around to love and guide them. There is nothing, nothing more important or precious than life, just nothing. I’ve become one of those people who doesn’t stash away my treasures and trinkets in safe dark places, I get them out and use them and show them off and take every ounce of pleasure I can from them. My life is no exception. As my greatest gift and treasure I fill it, I use this body, I use this brain, I use this energy, this strength, this joy, this sense of fulfillment and I live my life, after years of being a fat, dying blob, I am living again and I can tell you, being alive never felt so good.
At this monthly-ish weigh in (I’m not very good with sticking to schedules with weighing days) I found that I’ve lost a grand total of 111 pounds! That’s fat gone, forever and it is never coming back and I say that with more sincerity than I’ve ever said anything in my life, I say it with more sincerity than I said my wedding vows.
I have gone from my starting stats:
24 stone 11 pounds 347lbs 157.4 kgs 11 April 2014
To today’s stats:
16 stones 12 pounds 236lbs 107.05kgs
AND I’ve shed 15 chunks of Tracey (see top right of home page).
I’m almost in tears of joy at my progress. I know it’s been tough this month as I felt I was at a plateau phase. I was aware that I’ve spent a long period of my life at various ages at 17 stones (238lbs) and for a long time it seemed that it was where I was destined to remain effortlessly but then I lost weight and that seemed to kick start the yo yo off again and I gained weight to the 19 stone mark and hovered there for a while and then lost weight and couldn’t get below 17 stones and then shot up to the 20+ realms where I said I would never go. So to get below 17 is a real significant achievement for me and to know that 15 is in sight within the next couple of months just makes me feel ecstatic beyond belief because then I will be within real sight of my goal, I will really feel that I’m on the long run in to the me of the future, the me who is never going to get fat ever again.
I was pretty sure my body didn’t want to shift below 17 as I didn’t feel that I was making progress, normally I can feel myself losing weight and the fat being replaced with lean muscle. Maybe it was all in my head, like most of this fat behaviour is.
That is another reason I’m happy about this loss as I know that lean muscle weighs more than fat and so I’m pleased that in spite of the exchange programme that’s going on inside of my body I continue to shed more weight in fat than I gain in lean muscle and that’s what my whole regime aims at. Keeping that transfer slow and consistent. This makes it healthier for me and manageable and also it means my skin is still not sagging so if I do need any skin snipping off at the end of this it isn’t going to be vast sheets of the stuff.
My PT has been so pleased with my progress that he’s unofficially re-branded himself as a PT to the obese and he has started working with some people who were in a very sad and desperate place and they are making great progress and I’m so pleased that he is doing this. He’s a super sexy young hottie and he gets my heart rate up there just walking into the gym, but he has taught me so much about my body and I have taught him so much about the psychology of an obese person. He makes me cry, he makes me hit him and shout at him and I get to call him horrid names, I’m telling you we’re borderline dominatrix and submissive male. But you know what? It works.
He hears me shout and cry all of the horrid stuff I feel and think about myself and my life and he learns, he gets a free, front row seat to look into the mind of an obese person who over eats out of an emotional need. He’s discovered with me, why I have been destroying myself all of these years and sometimes, I can not tell you how good it feels in those moments when I’m exhausted, when I think I can’t move another muscle, when he calls me out by telling me I’m weak, I don’t want this enough, I’m just going to stay fat forever because it’s easier, and I feel myself fill with adrenalin, with power and strength and energy and I cry and spit back at him that I’m not, I’m going to be slim because I don’t want to hate myself anymore, because I want to live for my children, because I deserve to be happy, because people have hurt me because they were weak not me, because it was never my fault that my family didn’t know how to love me, all of the things I’ve missed out on in life because I was fat are still there and I’m going to get them and then he tells me that’s enough and he lets me fall into his huge arms and he holds me snotting and weeping against his huge chest and he says to me “Well done, Mich, you’re a little fighter” I just feel like I can conquer the world and all of those bad things are gone and forgotten and I’ve beaten them out of my own memory and that big huge man hug makes me feel somehow safe and protected and it’s all I need to let all of that awfulness wash away.
Don’t get me wrong I’ve not got a crush on my PT, gosh I’m not that stupid but we have a really strong bond, it’s beyond a business agreement now, he’s my friend. A very treasured friend. He gets to see me in states no one else does and I’m glad he’s learned and I’m glad that he’s putting that to use to help other people like me. He’s in huge demand and so he should be. He’s good at what he does and I know he’s going to help hundreds of people out of this hell in his lifetime and I know that he’s not going to judge any of them. He knows the hell of obesity and he just wants to bring more people out of it. Sometimes we look to the heavens for angels, we imagine they will be waiting for us at the gates to heaven, we imagine they might take our hands and lead us from this life to the next phase yet we forget that there are angels on Earth with us, they walk among us every day, we just have to open our eyes to see them and our hearts to feel them. Darren is one of mine.
I’m still meeting with my counselor too and that’s much better now, it’s more pleasant and I don’t know if I need to go for much longer. The crying episodes are getting fewer there as they are with Darren. I’m starting to feel that the anger at myself, the self loathing, the bitterness I never knew I harboured, all of the crap is becoming more and more under control.
I’ve developed a lovely relationship with my mother who has told me so many things about herself and about me that I just never imagined I’d ever hear. She comes to visit me now regularly once a week and we sit and have lovely tea out of a china tea pot and our best china mugs and we bake some scones together (oh yes I have scones, one a week with home made jam and clotted cream). So very English of us. We sit and crochet together with some old music playing. We’re making a blanket for my daughter, she wanted a rainbow blanket and we have been working on getting it finished. She’s taught me some fab tips and I’m becoming quite the domesticated lady. We have races to see who can finish that day’s squares the fastest and we talk, She talks to me like she’s never been able to talk to anyone in her life and I feel bad that she’s had over 80 years of never having had a female family member or friend who she could open up to but i’m glad that she has me now, before it was too late. We’re not too dissimilar me and my mother and if you’d said that to me a year ago I’d have been sick, but now I’m happy to be like her and I’m also happy that I am different to her in so many ways. I’m happy that I know she loves my daughter too and I am touched by the simple little heart felt gestures she was making to try to make amends with her. The blanket was a great idea to make her feel that finally she was doing something special and precious because she knows she will have it for always and ever. We’re both happy that I broke the mother/daughter incapacity to show love family trait, I’m glad I am different to her in that way.
Who would have thought it eh? That just losing weight would make such a difference to my life? That it would bring me for the first time since I was a tot into the arms of my mother without it feeling uncomfortable, who’d have thought that it would have given her the relationship with her daughter that she craved so badly and just didn’t know how to make happen? Who’d have thought that a few months on from the start of this journey, two ladies, one old, one middle aged sit side by side, making something for a third lady, still young, with the love they feel for each other and for her being sewn into every stitch? It’s magical, it’s a gift and I’m humbled to have received it.
Nick is sitting on the sofa working on something and he keeps looking up and asking if I’m OK as I sit her sniffling, my heart swelling with joy at the person I’m becoming. Eating to destroy ourselves is not good, it robs us of so much life, not just time, but it makes us fold into a world of self hatred and a world where we don’t trust, we can’t forgive, we become too defensive, we try to control, we try to compensate for our hatred of ourselves by putting up a shield that we just don’t need. I have never felt more vulnerable in my life than I do now and I quite like it.. But you know what? This vulnerability which means that I quite enjoy people taking care of me now means that my senses are open, it’s like my pores have been unblocked and because I am open, good things flood in. I feared without realising for so long that if I opened up bad things would come in and pieces of me which I guarded with my life would flood out but it doesn’t happen like that. If you close yourself down you miss the good things and I’m finding that even now in this modern world there are more good things going on out there than bad and if a bad thing happens well I’ll deal with it and I have people to help me now and I’m feeling good about that.
I’m so much better of a person now. I’m so happy, truly happy into my soul happy. I love so much more freely and openly. Nick said that he’s noticed how I’ve changed with him and he knows it’s not because we’re getting closer and more used to each other, I’m changing and softening and he knows that is nothing to do with the time we spend together. My children are happier. You know I didn’t realise it then, but now I see that they were worried, they had little stressy faces and they always used to look at me with concern and they don’t anymore. They just look happy, care free and alive like they should. They have confidence that I’m happy and that I’m alive and that has given them more than I ever anticipated. I saw a photo of them when they were in New York and that’s when it struck me. They were sitting snuggled up on the TKTS steps in Times Square, eating a hot dog or something and they took a selfie and when it landed in my drop box I was mesmerised by it, I couldn’t stop looking at it and Nick asked why that of all the photos was so special and I said “Because they look so happy, like they haven’t got a care in the world and that makes me feel happy because I know that they haven’t”.
We don’t just hurt ourselves when our finger is pressed down firmly on that self destruct button guys. We hurt so many other people who worry about us in silence. Who wonder when they’re going to get the call that our hearts have given up under the strain of hauling us around, when one of our vessels clogged with fat and crap has exploded and brought us to our end way too soon. If you’re doing this thing, keep on doing it for you and them and if you’re thinking you can’t do this thing, you can, you really really can and you deserve it, you deserve happiness and to love yourself and to see that same look in the eyes of the people who love you, that look of not having a care in the world because they know all is right with you.
We’re alive, now is the time to live, it’s the only time we get.