If St Nick is Santa then my Christmas has come early because for a huge chunk of this year I’ve had my very own St Nick by my side and what amazing gifts he has brought to my life!
I’ve always said I’ve never been in love and people always laugh and say I must have been, but I knew I hadn’t. I’d loved people, oh gosh I love people with a fire that would rival the sun for heat but ‘in love’, nah, it has evaded me.
I know, I know, I was married and I loved him and lusted after him but I wasn’t in love with him. I think I knew it then, I definitely knew it soon after and without a doubt know it now.
I wondered about the guys who had told me that they were in love with me during my life, I never felt that they were, I took them at their word but inside I thought I’d really know if they were truly in love with me, I’d feel it. I knew one or two of them loved me and I knew they lusted after me, they were under my spell (haha) but were they ‘in love’ with me? I didn’t know, I was never so sure. Maybe that said more about me than them I don’t know.
I didn’t really care to be honest, they were the ones living with their feelings and I was living with mine, I wasn’t going to try influencing or pressuring anything, I take things as they come and never try to influence people’s emotions, I think it’s pointless. We can attempt to alter people’s behaviour and actions but even that I think it is fruitless if they are not ready to receive and act on what we say.
When I say I don’t care if nobody likes me I mean it, I’m not bothered, it’s something I can’t change in any way other than being myself and demonstrating that I’m a good person but even then some people still won’t like me.
But you know what? I’m in love now. This is like… well I don’t have words. I always knew it would come one day, I had faith that it was somewhere waiting for me, for the right time, for the stars to line up right and deal me a shower of stars and hearts and flowers, fuzzy head, harps playing when I hear his voice, pulse quickening when I hear his name… I’m in love for the first time and oh my word, it’s made me lose my mind.
My daughter says I’m not in love for the first time, I’m letting my emotions have a louder voice than my head for the first time, but whatever she’s happy for me. I’m in love for the first time whichever way we look at this.
My son says I’m easier to get pocket money from these days so if that’s being in love he’s happy it’s happened now at a time when he has greater demands with his little harem of girl friends all needing Christmas gifts – we’ll talk about that another time.
Nick says he’s cracked the ice queen, he sees my being in love with him as some cute kind of victory which makes him do this crazy funny little giggly sound every time a little seepage of being in love makes itself obvious in my actions or words.
He came along right at the right time, although anyone who knows the story knows he has been on the back burner for a long, long time. I was ready for this guy and he was ready for me and even though we have been in each other’s lives for over twenty years for some reason those stars collided and it was time.
I don’t even think that it was a case of us both finding ourselves middle aged and single and thinking “Oh she’ll do” or “He’ll do”. Heck what am I saying, I know it wasn’t a case of that. Neither of us are the kind of people who make do, if something isn’t right we both have no problems with saying so and going in search of something that is. There was some magic waiting to happen for us and it just took a long, long time for us to be ready for it.
Sometimes we have no idea what the future holds, we have no idea or control over the joys and pains which await us, but I do believe that sometimes our behaviour leads us to a mindset where we miss out on good things, where we won’t fully appreciate or enjoy the joys and I believe that it is up to us to set ourselves up to receive good things and to appreciate them and only then will they come to us. They’re there waiting but just not connecting with us or us with them until the time is right.
It’s kind of like we’re a magnet for good stuff, we’re that all along, but sometimes we let our magnet get so buried in bad stuff that its pull on the good stuff flying around us is not strong enough to take a firm hold and the good stuff carries on floating around until our magnet is stronger. Once we shake off the crap from that magnet the good stuff starts to get drawn to us and it sticks and we feel that clunk when we and it collide and that clunk is a good feeling.
I think the same applies to bad stuff, I think there is bad stuff floating around that we have to experience, to learn and grow and to become better, stronger people and we also attract that when the time is right and just like the good stuff there isn’t a lot we can do about it, other than take it, work through it and then let it go, leaving space for good stuff which we have to work on keeping hold of.
The key thing is we have no idea what those good and bad things are, sometimes they slam into us without warning, without planning, they just hit us and knock us off our feet either in a good way or a bad way, sometimes they are more subtle and slowly approach and attach themselves, creeping up on us in either sinister or delightful ways.
I thought I had a good life before, I thought I was happy, never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that the things I have experienced and enjoyed this past 8 months were waiting just for me. Who would have thought it, that I’d be on my way to a normal healthy size, that I would have shed over 100 pounds of fat, that I would be able to run and jump, that I would own my own business, that I would find even more new things to love about my children, that their pride in me would multiply ten fold, that I would believe that my mother loves me and be able to forgive the past, that I would be in love and have this amazing patient, loving, kind wonderfully supportive and very sexy man by my side? My own St Nick who I do not doubt will help to make this Christmas a very special time for me and also for all of our children. We were meant to be going away from Christmas but I’m glad we’re not now, I’m glad we’re going to be spending it at my home here and in part at Nick’s home with our kids all together for some of it.
I’m very blessed.
All it took was to get through that cyclone of bad stuff that had been hovering around me, learn some lessons, think some new thoughts, reevaluate my life and my relationships, let some of it go hold some of it close and then I was ready for an influx of good things to come and attach themselves to me, one by one, sometimes thick and fast, at other times stealthily snuggling up to me.
I know there are more, of good and bad, I just know it and I’m excited to find out what the good things are as I clear away more rubbish and make more space for them to come into my life.
I’m grateful to this guy, he’s been beyond description in terms of supporting me with this new lifestyle, he has taught me so much about relaxation, inner peace and happiness which has been invaluable. He has taught me how to let go and give the reins to someone else and to be confident and comfortable in doing so. He has taught me how to indulge myself, to allow myself time, space and consideration and he has helped me to find joy and wonder in nature. He’s made me stop, slow down, look, think, breathe, listen and feel.
He has taken me to places in my mind where I’ve never been and he has loved me to the point where I was worried about how I was feeling and then loved me from that point to the point where now I love how I am feeling. All of those failed relationships, all of that messing around with guys and all of those years alone they all make sense now, they all made me ready for this.
I wouldn’t have been ready for this had I not started on that journey 8 months ago which has led to me beginning to heal myself, to give myself longer to live, to make myself a happier person and I thought it was all about losing fat. How mistaken I was.
Good things come to a positive mind, good things come to a happy soul and good things come to an unafraid heart.