Just when you thought…

I had some devastating news on Boxing Day which threw everything I thought I knew into chaos. I can only describe it as hearing that someone who I love wholeheartedly had suddenly died. I described my feelings as very similar to the day my dad died… way too similar. Ebbs and flows of all consuming sorrow. Unanswerable questions swirling around my mind. Shock. Disbelief. Anger. Betrayal. Hurt. Inadequacy. Frustration. Helplessness. It was all there all of the big guns of grief were aimed right at me and were firing all barrells.

I’m working through it and making sense of it and am in a far better place and have been resilient in not letting it get the better of me. One day I’ll write about it and the things I’m learning and we’re learning as a little family but the one thing which I had to share now was how for the first time in my life I have not turned to food to comfort me and get me through. Strangely enough my initial instinctive craving as the bombshell dropped into my blissful world of happiness and twinkling fairy lights was for a cigarette and I’ve not smoked for hundreds of years nor wanted to. Had there been a pack on the table I would have found it very difficult not to have lit one up. Thankfully there wasn’t.

I foolishly wondered a few weeks ago, how I would cope with really bad news and because I asked I guess I received and although I would rather not have been tested, I’m glad I have been.

I’ve leaned on my partner and kids for my strength and for the first time ever I realised that people work much better as support when you are weak than a pile of cookies and cake ever did.

If nothing else I’m glad for that change in myself and glad that this awful news has showed me that it is OK to trust in other people and to lean on them and   share your burden. I truly have come a long way. I couldn’t have coped with this a year ago. It was right I found out now even though I feel bad that for years I have been oblivious.

Anyway …where was I? Oh yeah still enjoying Christmas regardless. The we’re happy and doing good meter is on 90% and that’s enough for me.

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7 thoughts on “Just when you thought…”

    1. Thank you nobody died although I found it as devastating for some odd reason. I’m getting to terms with it now and trying to carry on with life as normal, although sometimes something happens which means normal life is thrown into the air and we have to ask ourselves what is normal and do we even know what’s going on under our noses anyway? I don’t mean that in a bad way but I’ve found myself wondering lately how much of our lives do we imagine we understand and how much are we missing or misunderstanding? It’s a tough lesson at times this phase of existence, if there is something next then I hope it’s a little easier.

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  1. A good sign, Michelle! If you have managed that first shocking hurdle without food, then you should be right. I will not even try and guess what has happened, but several scenarios ran through my mind – things that would produce those reactions. Be cool. ❤

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    1. Thank you Christine. I’ve written about it like I do many personal things to get them off my chest and am coping better now I’ll press the publish button when things are not so raw. But I try to see positives in everything and it was great that I didn’t reach for food to get me through, especially as for some unknown reason it revived grief at the death of my father many years ago… somehow my head found a kind of comparison in the depth of emotion I guess.

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