Sometimes going back takes you forward

So the projected start of the eat good meat and dairy and barely any carbs plan has had a delay. Firstly because the organic meat delivery was not placed on time and wasn’t  received on time. Secondly because we had a couple of celebrations going on so it wasn’t the best time to tighten any belts. So it starts tomorrow.

BUT, I can attest to something and this involves a horrific confession of over indulgence which I am never ashamed to make. I have little to no ADDED sugar in my diet and I’m already eating very little carbohydrate, why the transition to a low carb lifestyle is going to be slightly easier for me. I do however eat a lot of naturally sugar laden foods, which I didn’t realise before. I eat copious amounts of berries, seeds, nuts and a few grains. I didn’t even know some of these contained sugar at all but you learn something new every day. I’m not  a measurer. I am a big eater, anyone following me knows I have gradually been reducing the quantity of what I eat more as an accident and consequence of the other health benefits going on in my life over the past 11 months. My portions are not meagre by any means, I know I can’t succeed with any weight loss if I’m hungry so I’ve never let myself be hungry. My weight loss has come via what I eat not how much I eat.

Besides eating a lot of fruit and vegetables I drink a lot of juices and use juices as dressing for salads and I squirt lemon and orange into and onto everything, believing it a better flavour adder than oils. I also have green juice three times a week.

So anyway, that’s kind of the back ground to what I discovered this week. At a celebration yesterday there was a sweet stall cart thing. Now I’ve not been near chewy, sugary, bright sweets really for a long time. I have sucked on a Ricola or two for a sweet fix but I’m more of a chocolate and cake kind of gal than a Skittles and boiled sweets one. BUT, here on this stall that I just happened to find myself seated beside, was an array of colourful bright little sugary temptations and I yielded to ‘just a few’ chewy, tangy morsels of deliciousness. Now ‘just a few’ in an obese, over eater’s world is never that is it? Let’s be honest. Just a few hands full more like.  I totally lost all of my will power and my common sense approach and my tactics for coping with temptation went right out of the window and I sat chatting to people and popping into my mouth, one by one, just like the old days. Eventually not even registering they were going in there. Old habits eh? They sure do die hard.

So let’s just suffice to say I lost my mind and probably ate at least a whole regular pack sized amount, maybe two, definitely not a family size bag… oh lordy I hope I didn’t do that but who knows?

I only stopped when I noticed that I was starting to become a little hot, my temperature was rising at an alarming rate and I started looking for an escape to get some air, at that point I noticed that my heart was positively pounding in my chest, audibly and sensorily, I could hear it in my ears and feel it in my chest, thumping away like someone had put it on overdrive, more so than when I’m exercising to my  max even. I started to feel nauseous from the temperature I think and I started to panic a little as I became convinced I was having a heart attack. I tried to check my breathing which was starting to become shallow and rapid through the panic and I made my way to the exit, got outside into the cold air, sat on a bench and breathed deeply. Nick had noticed something was wrong and had followed me and he immediately went back in and came out with water. I sipped the water and started to calm down, things started to go back to normal.

Only then did he ask what was wrong and I told him what I’d experienced and we both realised that it was my body’s reaction to those sweets. That sugar, perhaps the additives and colourings I don’t know, but my body did not like what I had done to it and it was letting me know in no uncertain terms.

I sat there with Nick feeling very stupid, very greedy, very gluttonous and strangely very fat. I’d felt amazing when I’d put my new outfit on earlier in the day but suddenly I felt swollen, ugly, bloated, trussed up, miserable and everything felt too tight. I don’t know if that was a mental thing with my mind playing tricks on me making me feel like a fat failure and so I imagined myself fatter than I am or if I had physically swollen. I kind of felt ashamed of myself too and I had to quickly dispel those self loathing type feelings and the shame because they are no good for me, I know that and I had to put things into perspective with a “Good God woman you had a few sweets at a party, get a grip, you are not the anti-christ you didn’t go and slaughter half a dozen women and children”. I have to talk to myself like that sometimes to keep it real because I know that self loathing, shame, blame and all that are my enemies and always have been.

One thing it did do for me though, and this is the reason why I’m glad that I did sit and gorge myself, was it made me wonder how I had coped for years with that kind of pressure on my body. I realised that my healthy body really didn’t enjoy being abused like that and yet I had abused it for years and years and never ever listened to it groan or felt it shudder. I had just carried on treating it bad and not caring. I realised that there was no wonder I felt so bloody miserable all of the time, no wonder I had no energy, no wonder i was so stressed, no wonder I couldn’t cope with things, I was poisoning myself on a daily basis. I poisoned myself so much that my body was probably dealing with one toxin and then another and then another to the extent that it didn’t have time to alert me to what I was doing to it, it was just trying to keep me alive.

How sad to think that I just did that to myself for so long. How lucky I am to not have suffered any long term damage (that I know of yet). How grateful I am to be finally freeing myself from that awful cycle I was locked in.  How fortunate I am to be getting better now, to have the opportunity to reverse that damage and to make mistakes and to see why they are mistakes.

I’ll never ever eat a sugary, bright coloured sweet again as long as I live. That was scary and I’m not going back there again. I’ve learned a lesson and one thing about eating and living healthy that we often underestimate is that power we give ourselves to be able to notice when we eat something that is not good for us, our body does let us know, it tries to warn us and only when we make those attacks on our health rarely do we really get the message and it definitely makes us think about what we were doing wrong.

This is why I think the gradual small steps approach to changing our lifestyle is important for morbidly obese people, we need to learn lessons that will stick with us forever, we don’t need quick fixes. Through a gradual process we learn and we refine our way of eating, our exercise, our whole lifestyle. Because of all the changes I have made thus far I was able to spot the harm those sweets were doing to my body and I have learned that I really don’t want to put that stuff into my body again, ever. I know something now which I didn’t know last week and I don’t just know it from reading about it, I know it from experiencing it and that’s another point I’d like to make; it’s OK to trip up, it’s OK to make a mistake, it’s OK to go backwards now and then because then we really learn the lessons, then we really see the effects our old ways have on our new bodies and believe me this lesson was poignant.

So now the meat is here and I’m ready to roll, more ready than ever. Let’s see what happens, we’ve all recorded weight and measurements this morning and we’re all in this, so we will have views on how this approach affects a middle aged woman, a middle aged man and a growing teenage boy and a young lady. By good fortune all of us had full bloods done recently too so we’ll all have a repeat health check in sixty days and see if there is anything going on in the inside that we hadn’t bargained for. My son is convinced that if we eat bacon with the fat every day we are going to put weight on but let’s see.

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3 thoughts on “Sometimes going back takes you forward”

  1. Absolutely fabulous journal entry here. As I read about you getting that sugar high, it gave me chills. You really are on the right track when sugar overload does that to you. As I have written in my blog, once your body chemistry is at that point you have rounded a corner. Now you will pay for overindulgence right away, so there is some feedback to overdoing it. I recommend that you eat obviously no-carb foods for three weeks. Meats with fat on for energy. Eat a two egg and breakfast meat first meal. Use bacon grease or lard, maybe butter. If you eat just meat for three weeks, maybe green leafy vegetables with real home made ranch dressing (which is just mayonnaise and buttermilk) so that you have some fiber to make you go to the toilet properly, you will switch over to using ketones for energy instead of glucose. Thats a big deal. I have found that I can just eat meat, if the meat is properly raised on good food, it passes the good nutrients up the food chain to me. I wouldn’t try it if all I had was industrial meats, which is most of what is for sale here in the States. I am thinking of reblogging your post over at my site, dcarmack.com, if you approve.

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    1. Of course reblog or link away. It was reassuring in a way to know that I have already gone some way to ridding myself of the added sugars so it will be interesting to see further results. I’m going to throw myself into an experiment at the end of my sixty day trial and eat the amount of fruit and juice i used to eat and see if there are any side effects. Thank you for the tips. We really loved the heap of eggs and bacon this morning and lunch was really enjoyable too. My son has commented already that he doesn’t think he can eat dinner tonight as he feels so full. Usually by this time he is eating off his own limbs haha. Our organic meat looks and tastes delicious and we were all happy to eat our beef rare having more faith in it not killing us.

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  2. Reblogged this on One Small Change at a Time and commented:
    An anecdotal confirmation of what I know to be true concerning how sugar makes you feel once you have broken it’s chemical grip on your life. I read this blog from time to time and have enjoyed the transition this blogger is making from the Western Diet victim to master of her fate..

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