It’s not happened. Phew! Really strange goings on at the moment, both of my kids, who promise they are not in collaboration have separately asked if it’s too late for me to have another baby now and both have said how much they would love to have a little baby around.
My response was that they don’t have long to wait before they can have one of those all for themselves and I will happily, happily play grandma of the century with spoiling, doting, sleep overs, baby sitting, early retirement … the works but the chance of me producing a child now is non-existent.
What has possessed them? Nick hasn’t influenced them, in fact when each of them mentioned it he was with me and near choked at the subject of the conversation.
Strange thing is, lately I have been feeling very broody… secretly. I’d not told anyone until this subject came up. I put it down to being a normal chemical reaction type thing when you are happy, in love, settled in the most stable relationship of your life, with a ready made nest and assurance of financial stability or perhaps a side effect of feeling healthy, younger, rejuvenated and fit, perhaps a combination of both. Then again I wondered if it was just me being at an age where many of my friends are having grandchildren presented to them and I’m nowhere near that stage and it’s brooding for a grandchild that has gripped me and I’ve mistaken it for brooding for my own child. Or maybe it’s mother nature and the body clock giving me one last chance before it’s too late.
Another odd thing is that since I’ve been more healthy and slimmer my cycle has returned to normal and my hormone levels are showing signs of very early pre-menopausal changes normally present in a woman in late 30’s to 40’s so nothing drastic. My mother and sister went through menopause in their mid 50’s, they both went through it very quickly and with little fuss and one of my mum’s sisters had a very unexpected pregnancy in her early 50’s. So fertility and reproductive health would appear to be genetically sound according to my GP.
So technically there is no reason why I couldn’t have a child if I wanted to have one… that thought is scary and since it dawned on me for real (of course I kind of knew but I just don’t think of myself as fertile) I have been fighting Nick off with a stick. He has said it’s something he’d not thought of either but now it’s in his head, it’s there, it’s a possibility and it needs some attention. I get what he means, that’s how I feel too.
We’ve discussed it at length and gladly we realised that it’s so easy to lie in crisp cotton sheets with a spring breeze wafting over you and sunshine streaming through a window in the arms of the one you love to imagine all of that soft pink or blue cuteness, so we got up and talked about it at the kitchen table instead.
He admitted that it wouldn’t do his sense of virility any harm at his age should he sire a child now (he does like to revert to old English when talking about his manliness) and he felt it would cement our families as a positive viewpoint and I could also see that and he also said that he would love to have a child with me, and I feel him on that one too. BUT we love our life, we love the way things are and the way we’ve got things planned for the future. More than that as we agreed we’ve spent a long time in unhappy relationships with the wrong people and now we’re together and everything feels right we have so much lost time to catch up on and so much life to enjoy together as a couple, being selfish. In so many ways, especially now that we both have grown up independent kids we look forward to all of the kids (we have 6 between us) being grown up and independent. We are enjoying the more adult relationships we are having with our kids and neither of us has a desire to step backwards. There is a great sense in both of us of having been there and done that.
I admitted that even though the thought is wonderful I would worry about the health of myself and the child at this age, I would hate to be set back although I know I can be healthy and pregnant I’ve done that before, I lost weight during pregnancies with both of my children and emerged thinner and healthier than when I started… it’s amazing how much your healthy eating habits improve when you’re thinking about nourishing another life inside of you. But I don’t feel it’s worth the risk, not of me getting overweight again but of something more serious going wrong, as fit and healthy as I feel I’m nearly 50. When I was 20, 50 was ancient, now I’m nearly it it feels ancient and although I don’t feel it, I am it.
Anyway, it’s a no, a definite no from us. My kids are disappointed but as I said when they have their own children they will understand that just this once mum had to deny them their request. I do kind of think it’s cute that they asked though and I’m glad that they feel that another little one would have a good time being my child and I think it really tells Nick and I a lot about their acceptance and approval of our relationship and about how they are enjoying being a part of this larger blended family of 8 when they had spent so long with just us three. Nick said that maybe the kids are aware of the fact that they are growing up and becoming more independent and they want me to have someone with me all of the time, he wondered if maybe they don’t see the two of us as the long term prospect we see ourselves as. It troubled him a bit, that thought, but I assured him they do, they wouldn’t have even thought of me having a child with him if they didn’t see us as a long term prospect. All of our kids know how it feels to be part of a split family and I’m sure that as well managed as that’s been (moreso for my kids than his sadly) they would not wish it on a sibling.
One of the most compelling reasons for me to dismiss the idea was that I have spent the last 23 years of my life going to bed praying for the chance to live long enough to see my kids grown up and I’m not too sure I could definitely count on another 20 something years of that and from a selfish point of view, I don’t think I’d want to do that. I do think it’s time for me again now, to rest easy and go to bed thanking God for getting me there.
Part of me wishes this had all happened ten years ago but there is no point in looking backwards, it didn’t happen ten years ago and now is not the right time for that for us. Sometimes you think you have it all and then something happens to remind you that you could have had more but on this occasion I’m glad to accept that what I have is more than enough. We are blessed and besides… I’ve learned not to be greedy 😉
Would love to hear thoughts on having babies in later life.