I had some devastating news on Boxing Day which threw everything I thought I knew into chaos. I can only describe it as hearing that someone who I love wholeheartedly had suddenly died. I described my feelings as very similar to the day my dad died… way too similar. Ebbs and flows of all consuming sorrow. Unanswerable questions swirling around my mind. Shock. Disbelief. Anger. Betrayal. Hurt. Inadequacy. Frustration. Helplessness. It was all there all of the big guns of grief were aimed right at me and were firing all barrells.
I’m working through it and making sense of it and am in a far better place and have been resilient in not letting it get the better of me. One day I’ll write about it and the things I’m learning and we’re learning as a little family but the one thing which I had to share now was how for the first time in my life I have not turned to food to comfort me and get me through. Strangely enough my initial instinctive craving as the bombshell dropped into my blissful world of happiness and twinkling fairy lights was for a cigarette and I’ve not smoked for hundreds of years nor wanted to. Had there been a pack on the table I would have found it very difficult not to have lit one up. Thankfully there wasn’t.
I foolishly wondered a few weeks ago, how I would cope with really bad news and because I asked I guess I received and although I would rather not have been tested, I’m glad I have been.
I’ve leaned on my partner and kids for my strength and for the first time ever I realised that people work much better as support when you are weak than a pile of cookies and cake ever did.
If nothing else I’m glad for that change in myself and glad that this awful news has showed me that it is OK to trust in other people and to lean on them and share your burden. I truly have come a long way. I couldn’t have coped with this a year ago. It was right I found out now even though I feel bad that for years I have been oblivious.
Anyway …where was I? Oh yeah still enjoying Christmas regardless. The we’re happy and doing good meter is on 90% and that’s enough for me.