Happy As You Are

Sometimes I wonder how grating my blog must be on people who are overweight and happy with how they are, they don’t want to lose weight, they don’t feel unhealthy, they don’t even think they have any problems with their relationships with food.

I just wanted to say that I applaud people who can feel like that and who are happy when they look in the mirror, are confident, who don’t get affected by comments when out and about, who don’t let their weight affect their lifestyle and happily sit and scoff a burger and dessert without thinking anyone is watching and judging. Gosh I wish, I so wish I could be like that, but I can’t.

Being overweight, its causes and effects, is a very personal thing and I appreciate there are people who don’t let it bother them but there are people who are terribly bothered by it to the point of depression and I’m one of those. I don’t like to think I’m so affected by society and strangers but I am. However most importantly I’m bothered by the way I feel and the way I look, I’m not a fortunate fattie who has a slim face, hands and a waist. I’m a shapeless lump and I don’t want to be.

I can’t find clothes which look nice on me, nothing goes in or out in the right places right now. My hips are about 12 inches smaller than my waist, my bust never gains fat so in comparison it shrinks when I gain weight and then disappears into the blob of the rest of me. Dressing me is difficult and inventive. I want my hourglass back, it’s under here somewhere I know it, I’ve seen it before.

I love that there is a growing plus size fashion industry which caters for the needs of the larger lady and lets people who are overweight feel fabulous, stylish and sexy and all of that, I am happy about it and I support its growth.

I respect people who have jumped off the weightloss bandwagon and essentially this time I am one of those. I’m not on a weightloss journey as such, I’m on a lifestyle change journey so that I can live my life again, so that I can feel better not only look better, so that I have options and choices which are just not there for a lump of shapeless fat and ultimately so that I can live a longer and fuller life. I’m not going to buy into that “you could be hit by a bus tomorrow” attitude. I don’t want to imagine I have no future how bleak is that? I want to imagine I have a long and full future where I will live, prosper, laugh, love, dance, sing, run and feel free and happy. A bus can only hit you if you let it, I’m steering clear of busses and  having a life.

I told a friend today that I lost 8lbs and she said “I don’t know why you bother, it’s just another fad, you’ll put it back on, just be happy as you are”. Sorry, did I say I told ‘a friend’, make that I told ‘a former friend’. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life, it’s what put me here. At least this time I didn’t want to eat biscuits, I wanted to punch her face in (warrior princess nearly lost it there). As I was escorting her from the premises she said “I didn’t mean anything by it, I’m fat too but I’m happy as I am, it’s just society, I just want you to stay as you are not buy into this anymore”.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I lost 8lbs this week and I am going to beat this demon inside my head, I am not happy as I am and never will be and only I can change that.